How to deal with heartbreak.
I (35 F) recently ended my 7 year relationship with my partner (40 M). It was a long time coming, and I held out hope for way too long that he would actually be true to his word and change. The problem is that I try to find the good in people and focus on that, but it's come to the point where I can not see any good in him. He never does what he says he will and is never consistent in the relationship. He uses DARVO to gaslight me and make me out to be the problem because I'm the one that has the emotional awareness, I'm the direct communicator. I'm so sick of not being respected, but at the same time, my heart aches for all I'm losing. The time wasted. The lack of care on his side. He's just chatting to his one friend, gaming online, like nothing is wrong. I'm hurt but also disgusted by him, so my emotions are all over the place.
I'm not implying that I'm perfect by any means. I'm highly empathetic, and I feel emotions and "vibes" strongly. I can't really contain strong emotions, so when I'm gaslit, I do react. I can sound aggressive, but my intention is to prove myself. Prove my observations, use facts and evidence, but i do get really angry if I do all that, and he still will not admit fault or take accountability. It's an abuse tactic on his part, I know, but I still feel wounded. I'm so overwhelmed with sadness, anxiety, and fear. Living on my own is really daunting, especially since I'm ill. The cost of living as a single person is awful. In many ways, my future is uncertain, and any uncertainty tends to really stress me out and make me more ill.
It could be a while before he can find anywhere to live, and I'm staying put. So we'll just have to wait this really awkward bit out. I have my parents coming to stay in 5 days, so we'll see how that adds to the awkwardness!
I guess, what I'm asking is, how do I move on from this? How do I finally get rid of the emotional baggage that he has left me with? How do I stop grieving the relationship, even though I know logically the relationship wasn't working, it won't sink it. Does that make sense? I've fallen for his bullshit and I need to get it out of my head!
Sorry, I'm grasping at straws, honestly. I suppose the pure disgust I feel towards him will gradually overtake all the other feelings.