u/Forgotten_yogurt24

I (21f) have thoughts of killing myself more than I’m willing to admit. I genuinely tried once obviously I didn’t succeed. It’s my biggest regret, really my only regret in life. Going home that night, watching my mom try to hide her tears, my sister hugging me like her life depended on it, and having to admit how much of a failure I am broke whatever was left in me. I never want to them like that again. If that means living this life and pretending to be happy I’ll do it 50x’s over. But during the dark times when the only thing I can bring myself to do is think about how I want to be buried, I wish I had a vice to cling to so I can focus on ANYTHING else. I don’t drink, smoke, pop pills, gamble, etc. I can’t bring myself to do it either. I usually spend time dressing up and spamming my bf with nsfw pics. Why? That’s all I’m good for. It’s a distraction from everything else. (I’ve posted about my sexual trauma here before TL;DR : trusted adults weren’t really trust worthy & ruined my perception of my body) I don’t think I’m not much for a partner although my bf says otherwise (trying to make me feel better ig). I think about becoming a sugar baby often. I’ve received offers so I know I could. I don’t feel much urges for sex but I’m good at faking it. I genuinely love my bf but I feel like he’s wasting his time and love on me. I try explaining to him that he deserves a partner that isn’t depressed or anxious to a debilitating degree. Idk what else to do I can’t sleep; my mind won’t stop racing.