TW: cemetery
I don’t really know how to word this one- but how often should I be at the cemetery or how often do you visit your child’s grave?
I would like to preface this by saying- there was a month delay between our 8 day old sons passing and funeral so I went to see him about 4/5 times at the funeral home during that time and visibly watched his body deteriorate. By the time it got to the funeral I was almost relieved to put him to rest and I still feel so guilty for even having that feeling. My husband was incarcerated at the time of birth and his passing so I did most of the hard bits alone and I feel like I got quite desensitised to it because for the most part rather than being able to grieve or process what had happened I was too busy trying to sort out the funeral and aftermath of what I can only describe as hell.
Since his funeral I would say we maybe go once a month. It takes a lot to mentally build the courage to go there- it feels surreal to stand at his headstone and think he is 6ft under and not in our arms. Once we’re at the cemetery it takes so much strength to leave because it feels like im saying goodbye to him all over again.
It’s been 10 months since he passed in the NICU but all I can think about how awful I am to not be at graveside every week. We have a corner in our living room with all his keepsakes, candles and his hand & feet casts so that’s our special place for him on a daily basis but because the cemetery is his final resting place I feel like I should be there more.
I apologise if this post is upsetting in anyway but I don’t really know where or who else to ask this. I know there isn’t one set way to grieve and things should happen at our own pace but as his mum It feels like visiting him is the last and only thing that keeps his memory alive and I’m not even doing that?