Our Indefinite Guest
My partner and I have allowed our friend to stay in our guest room as he tries to get back on his feet. Between losing his job last July and having to give up his apartment after extensive flooding repairs/ landlord neglect in November, he has understandably had a challenging time. Thus, we threw him a lifeline.
We are not the only friends who have done so — he was staying with a friend in a foreign resort town for three months, has borrowed a car indefinitely from another, and has now been with us for nearly two months. He has started a massage therapy program nearby, and hopes to put down roots in our area. He has also gotten a job at a restaurant 2-3 days a week. He has earned his keep by helping clean and on other projects around the house, which feels like the bare minimum given that we’re not charging rent or utilities yet. While we have discussed payment, we haven’t set any firm timelines .
Now that he is currently on a break in his program, he is increasingly present at the house. I work hybrid and commute a few days a week, my partner is an artist with a few gigs, and we are both quite busy… sometimes we can’t help but notice him parked in our living room watching TV for hours a day when it feels like he should probably be getting another job (perhaps something adjacent to massage given that he can't practice yet) or volunteering. Candidly, I think he is too cash strapped for many hobbies, and he doesn’t have too many friends of his own here.
He is very non confrontational and has been vague about his finances. We are trying to be sympathetic, but the resentment has crept in. Though he has only been here since late March, he has had since last summer to figure things out job-wise. I acknowledge how tough it is out there, but it really feels like he could have been making better use of his time. Although I understand the appeal, I don't think I could comfortably vibe out on the beach for months with such existential questions looming over me.
While I don’t think I should be lecturing someone five years my senior on career building or how to live their life, I feel like some dose of reality (potentially a big one) is needed. He has been living off of the generosity of friends for the last six months. His parents are paying for his program. But what comes after? Our area isn’t cheap, and my partner and I found a foothold here through equal parts hustle and dumb luck. Outside of us, he currently doesn’t have the means to live on his own or probably even in a shared apartment, and his program will last several more months. His plan is to move out eventually, but the local housing and job markets are limited, and I have doubts that he would be able to sustain himself just on massage in the future. While I am trying to be optimistic on his part, I do wonder to what degree he has considered this, and if his non-confrontation is him not wanting to fully face his own position.
Given this, I feel like I might need to step in and say something, but am curious: what would you do in this situation, and how tough love would you be? While we think we can tolerate the situation for a bit longer (especially if he starts contributing monetarily) it feels like he should be working on a concrete plan toward independence and sharing that. My fear is that we make it to the end of the summer, there’s no plan, and that our guilt or fear over the precariousness of his situation compels us to let him stay.