u/Forbetterorworsted — reddlx

I teach preschool at my daughters school. The school is for 3-5 year olds. I cannot believe I am hearing this sentiment from parents.

I also taught SPED for quite a few years (Emotional and Behavioral Disorders). The kids that got into fights all the time, always had parents who said this. Or even better, "I tell my kid they can't start a fight, but they can finish it."

It is probably one of the trashiest things I hear from parents.

Like, I get it. The world is scary. No one likes to feel that they don't have control. It feels so painful to know our kid is going out into an unfair world that we can't control, and they WILL get hurt, physically, emotionally... on accident, and on purpose. So when we say this, "they can defend themselves!" it makes us feel like we are gaining some control. No one is going to hurt out kids and get away with it!

But the truth is, they will get away with it. It is your job to teach your kid the proper coping skills and how to deal with conflict in a productive way. This attitude of, "you can defend yourself!" gives kids the clear message that control is gained by violence, lashing out, physically dominating another.

But what if a two year old hits your five year old on the playground?

What if a kid with a disability hits your kid?

What if a serious jerk of a kid pushes your kid, and your kid retaliates with a rock and actually causes damage?

What if it is an accident?

What if the other kid said something mean to them... or a friend?

What if a teacher is stepping in and trying to break them up... should they still be defending themselves?

Your kid is not mature enough to know when it is appropriate to "defend" themselves, and they are not mature enough to discern the appropriate force to use.

The truth is, your kid has a natural instinct to protect themselves. No kid is going to lie flat on the ground and let another kid beat the crap out of them if you haven't taught them to "defend themselves." So we don't need to glorify violence, or preach violence as the solver of conflict, the way to impart justice.

Sorry this rant is all over the place. I am just SO tired of this attitude. And I hate that it only hurts our kids. Because I promise, if your kid takes this message to heart, they will pay the consequences for your attitude. Most schools do not have the resources to litigate the fine details of conflicts between kids. If your kids hurts another, provoked or not, they will get in trouble for it.

EDIT: Wow, I did not know so many 3-5 year olds were not getting supervised. If you truly think your 3-5 year old is smart enough to discern when violence should be used and how much, I truly hope you don't work in childcare. Kids this age do not fully understand their emotions and how to regulate them. They lash out. It is my job to interfere and make sure it doesn't escalate. I do that. But when your kid is actively fighting me to get to the other kid to "defend themself," Sorry... YOUR KID IS THE PROBLEM ALSO and they will be face the appropriate consequences.

Do kids get bullied... yeah. Of course. But out of the 30+ incidents of violence that I have witnessed/broken up (when teaching middle school), there was ONE TIME where it was obvious one kid was bullied (outside of school) and snapped when a kid pushed them into a locker. Every other time though, parents always thought their kid was a victim, but it was always a lot more nuanced than they could possibly believe. As I mentioned above - there is one thing for self preservation, but no kid is going to let another kid WAIL ON THEM and just take it because they think, 'hm... well, my mom didn't say I could hit back so...'

I'll just end on one last anecdote. I had a kid (back when I was teaching middle school) who was in constant conflict with their peers. One day a kid (who had been a jerk before, to be fair) was goofing off and swung their backpack really hard and hit this student and knocked them over. Total accident, he was just being an idiot. The student that got hit with the backpack had a metal comb in their hand and got up and swiped at the other kids face. The metal comb hit the kids eye and now they have permanent vision issues, and the kid who DEFENDED themselves has a record. I'm just trying to say that this attitude of "defend yourself!" backfires, a lot.

You guys be safe - did not realize how tough it was out there!

One last thing for clarification - I had a kid that flapped a lot and would sometimes stim uncontrollably. Unfortunately they would accidentally come in contact with a kid sometimes. Luckily the majority understood to just walk away and let it go. But what if your kid comes in contact with another in this situation and instead of involving an adult, just takes it into their own hands to 'defend' themselves?