My brain is fried
Venting a lot in this post.
He has been an addict for 10 years and has been clean as far as I’m aware for 6 months. He is no longer in therapy, but he isn’t being overtly sexual or not sexual anymore. However, the lying is now a huge problem, and I cannot seem to trust him. Along with that I am so insecure, that it makes me sick with myself.
He has always had wandering eyes for other women, even when he is with me. He said nowadays he is scared to look up in public in fear that I will be mad. But I have him taking long glances at women that are his type. I know they are his type because every OF subscription was to freckled brunettes with huge asses (I am blonde with none). Most recently he has even stared at the tv when a girl who was just his type was singing (we were in a lobby). This girl is not a well known singer, nor was the music his style. This made me feel shitty because when he has done this before he will look them up on google and social media and follow them. This has drove me nuts.
The last thing I have seen is that in his TikTok search history was “Cassie from euphoria wiping stomach” for those of you who don’t know the show it is overtly sexual. Her character is literally an OF model. I asked him about it and he adamantly denied it, but I don’t know how it would end up in search history otherwise. I dropped it for the time being, because I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I let myself care too much about someone and obsessed over his every move and fried my fuckign brain.