For context, 30+ years old, father is 60+
Used to have one of those typical father and daughter strongly bonded relationships. I was my dad's little girl, once upon a time. He was my role model, he was the one man I looked up to so much, I had the utmost respect for him, I loved being my father's daughter, I loved making him proud, and his kindness and strength guided me through my younger life. I love my father still, and I love my mother too, but anyone who knows that "father/daughter" bond understands how different it can be versus the "mother/daughter" bond.
In my adulthood, we used to do specific things together a few times a year, for years in a row. Just some events and trips that were special to the two of us who are really, really alike in a lot of ways.
Ever since I began to pass as cis-male and go stealth (in every other place in my life except for unaccepting family), I think we just drifted apart. It kind of breaks my heart in a way, yet I wouldn't go back and trade my transition for anything. I had to transition, and I am fucking proud and happy of how far I have come in my life and my transition.
But...I miss the special things we used to do together... He stopped doing those things with me around the time I really began to pass after years on T and surgeries and legal changes, the works. T was slow for me, but when I actually passed as male, I guess things shifted.
My family isn't really accepting. They still tell me they love me and all that, but they don't really respect my name or pronouns. I can count on one hand the number of times I've had a serious conversation with my parents about my transition/being trans. It's kind of a topic we just avoid talking about together. They don't agree with my "lifestyle" and I don't agree with their politics (extreme right wing/Trumpers).
I really miss the special bond my father and I had. These days when he tells me he's proud of me (not for anything trans related), I don't feel anything about it except a bit of bitterness... He's proud of my hard work in my career, and I can't help but think, "...at least you're proud of me for something." I don't say this out loud. He tells me he loves me, and I know he does...it just feels like he (and my mother) don't love ALL of me... Just the parts they "agree" with.
At one point I told them I would not be around others with them if they refused to use my name and correct pronouns, so it might really just be my fault for the distance between us, now. If they even remember me saying that to them.
I've lost respect for my father over some of the things he's said about trans related things, and about my own transition. I don't really see him as the role model I once did anymore. The image shattered for the first time recently and I have not been able to put the pieces back together completely.
Even though we don't have the special father and daughter bond anymore, I was really, really hoping for a new kind of special relationship, a father and son relationship... I was always the sports player amongst my siblings, just like my father and mother were. But he quit playing and talking sports with me. I'm the one who likes the same music as him...and he won't go to shows with me anymore. There's more stuff we don't do anymore, and it just makes me so sad. I really was hoping we could have a father and son relationship, like where he teaches his son how to shave, and how to dress for an interview as a man, and how to handle situations as a man... but he will never see me as a man. He will never see me as...me...and that hurts me in a deep cut kind of way.
I mourn the loss of our bond.
I knew transition would come with potentials for loss, naturally, but I guess somewhere in my mind, I was really hoping that my parents would come around... I don't believe anymore that it's going to happen, and I grieve what could have been, but what never will be.
I'm listening to music my father and I used to listen to right now, and it's bringing me to near tears.. I just had to get this out somewhere.
Thanks for listening, I know some people here will relate.