u/FluxCapacitoritus

I have a paycheck coming on 5/11 and need a small $50 loan to help with utility bill. Can pay back $80 on 5/11.

TW: I briefly mention SH at the end, I tried to make it as soft as possible.

I suffer from horrific debilitating depression sometimes. Right now I am… okay. It’s always there and I’ve learned and use the many coping skills that help when it’s at low to even a little above moderate. I never know when the bad stuff is going to hit, ever. Most of the time an event, situation, problem, circumstance etc. is not the cause. It literally comes out of nowhere. When it hits I have serious trouble making conversation, staying active and focused, enjoying ANYTHING… all of the things depression does to most of us. It’s so frustrating because I can’t explain it to the people that care about me. It frustrates them because I’m UNABLE to really be there for them verbally and mentally on those days and sometimes they want me to snap out of it and I can’t. I have to ride it out and do the best I can until it ends, which is the bare minimum usually (go to work and eat a meal basically). My girlfriend is long distance so these depression spells are especially difficult for her, because for what I lack in communication and “being present” I would normally be able to make up for with physical touch. It sucks. She feels like I’m ignoring her or that she’s bothering me or that im being selfish… all perfectly reasonable responses because everything is over the phone with us. I try so hard to reassure her in these depressions that I absolutely adore her and that it’s this depression that crushes my mental strength. it’s so awful because I love her more than anything and if I was next to her I would be able to make up for this with hugs, cuddling, and just physical touch. I hate that my depression affects her. I hate that it shuts me down mentally. I hate that I never know when it’s going to hit me. One day I will be perfectly (as perfect as I can be) okay, the I’ll wake up with that EMPTINESS. it’s like my soul is gone and I’m just an empty shell. I hate that I have to send texts saying “hey, I woke up depressed today so if I’m quiet, that’s why.”I hate that I can’t fake being happy when it gets that bad. I guess this is just a rant, I’m not sure what asking for or if anyones depression is similar to mine. Thankfully I never will attempt to take myself out, or self harm.

Thank you for reading, this community has always been such a huge support. Love you all 🩶