Long time lurker but now I need advice so I guess I’ll jump right into it…
My boyfriend (35m) and I (30f) have been dating for 5 years now. Prior to becoming “official” and while “just dating” with no official title, he had stated he loved giving oral and gave me oral every time and I reciprocated every time before we had penetration sex.
His “enjoyment” of giving oral continued for the first 2 years of our official boyfriend/girlfriend relationship; ex. He would give oral and I would reciprocate every time before we had penetration sex. I never got the idea or felt like he was just acting, trying to make me happy, not enjoying himself, hiding his disgust, etc. at all. He showed physically and verbally he genuinely enjoyed the act and watching me as well. He understood I could only have orgasms by me receiving oral or fingering. He has orgasms every time by him receiving oral or penetration either together or separately.
In the third year of our relationship, he started not reciprocating oral sex more than 3 times a year (my birthday/valentines day/st Patrick’s day) and I was the only one giving oral sex before penetration sex every other time besides those three holidays. I thought maybe it was due to losing their job, depression, financial struggles, drinking, injury, sickness, etc. I gave it time and acted respectfully while also catering to them sexually without reciprocation as well as being there for them emotionally, financially, physically.
Over the past 2 years, I have brought up multiple times each year my frustration with not having a orgasm or receiving oral more than 3 times a year. Every time I bring up my frustrations he goes silent. He will then act like the discussion never happened/everything is fine and doesn’t change. Over the past 2 years he says he, “doesn’t know what to say” or “he’s been trying to figure it out himself”. I have asked if he doesn’t enjoy it anymore/never enjoyed it in the first place/if he doesn’t find me attractive anymore/if he’s thinking about other girls/if he’s having regrets about monogamy/if he satisfies himself with porn outside of our relationship/if I need to work on anything sexually/if I’m not pleasing him/etc. and he says “No” to every suggestion of me trying to help him/me/us figure out why he doesn’t do oral anymore. I also tried to compromise and ask if he would possibly just use his fingers or more foreplay or toys, etc but he never follows through and each time I bring up the issue again it is the same cycle.
I have tried morning vs night vs afternoon, while our roommate was gone, on vacation, while we were living alone, spontaneous, planned, different places other than the bedroom, outfits, etc. I feel like nothing helps/doesn’t make a difference. I don’t know how to make him feel like he genuinely wants to do oral again and care about pleasing me without me begging for it.
I’ve discussed it with him that because of this frustration sexually, it is also really effecting my frustration in general with our relationship. I feel we are a great match otherwise and I would love to continue building a life with him (shared home/family/future) but I can’t help but contemplate why I would want a future with no solution or compromise or answers to something that is important to me.
I get this is a lot of information but I’m just trying to give the backstory and my thought process and what I have done so far.
I’m reaching out to this group to see if anyone has dealt with this before and if they did, how did they approach this issue with their boyfriend/girlfriend/partner? Does anyone have any pointers on maybe what I’m doing wrong or maybe the questions I should be asking him?
I understand it may come to a future not working out because of me not being sexually satisfied in our relationship.
I am trying to find advice or steps to a solution other than “just break up with him.” I am trying to do my due diligence and know I’m trying everything I can.
Hopefully this long post answers most questions but I can answer more to give a better idea if needed.
Thanks for reading.
TL;DR: My (30f) boyfriend (35m) used to love giving oral and now he has no interest in performing oral and won’t say/doesn’t know why for the last three years of our 5 year relationship. Trying to find a solution or how to find a compromise or ask other readers how they have dealt with this in their own life and possibly apply it to mine to have a satisfying and fulfilling future.