where, when, and how
I’m finally not starting a paragraph by saying I write this with a heavy heart, I don’t even know what that feels like anymore i’ve healed. I finally feel like me.
Looking back at the "sh!t show" of the last few years, it feels like I’ve lived a thousand lives, and im finally ready to move on. I’ve been through every mental state known to man, from the soul-crushing weight of depression, to starving years of an eating disorder that started when I was just 11. I remember the exact numbers 31kg / 36kg burned into my brain like a brand. I spent years hiding in hoodies n sweaters, ashamed of a body that Allah made perfectly, all because I overheard a conversation I was never meant to hear, I felt like a body without a soul, just fragile ribs and sleepless nights.
I used to blame everyone but my self. I blamed my brother for being the "main character" who got all the love while I took the yelling and the abuse. I blamed the "friends" who used me to get popular and then dipped after 3 years. I blamed the people who treated my body like it was public property before I even knew who I was.
But the blame game is over. I realized that waiting for people to appreciate you is a death sentence. You have to be proud of yourself every single day, find your own inner harmony. You have to love yourself before you can let any hood rat love you. For a long time, I tried to fill the hole in my heart with cheap affection and unstable friendships, thinking if I was loud enough or social enough, I’d finally be "enough."
It was a lie the answers were in front of me all along.
I’m writing this now with a light heart, reminiscing not on "what could have been," but on who I am becoming. I am closer to Allah. I am closer to the people who actually see me. I have a new reason to write: happiness. This is a new chapter—a peaceful one.
To anyone still in the dark, stop waiting for an apology you’ll never get. Stop waiting for your parents to finally say they’re proud. Stop starving yourself to fit a world that doesn't even see you. You are perfect the way you are. Find your people. Find your actual self. the pain will be taken away, but you have to believe in yourself before you believe in anyone else.
The story isn't ending, it's just finally starting.