My (44M) twin brother and I were led on and manipulated by the same woman (43F) that we knew for almost 30 years. How do we fix things? Do we fix things?
Participants: Me (44M), my twin brother (“Dirk”), the new guy (36M) “Foil”, her husband “Mine” (48M) and her 43F “Mace”
TLDR: Mace has known Dirk and I for almost 30 years. Mace and Dirk have history and were in a serious relationship for the last 7.5 years. Mace and I were in a more than just FWB relationship for the last 2.5 years. Neither Dirk nor I were led to believe by Mace that she was in a serious relationship with anyone else, and she wanted more only them. Out of the blue, Mace leaves us both for a new guy, Foil and lies to him about the seriousness of our relationships. Going so far as to say that we were all just platonic. He would have never started anything if he knew the truth. All the guys are pissed, Dirk is devastated, and I'm not doing well. The guys are cool and understanding with each other.
How can we/should we repair the relationships/friendships with Mace? Should we be the bigger people or go full scorched earth? She's smart, nerdy, funny, caring, empathetic, and sexy as hell. She needs help for her mental issues and we're all here to help where we can. How can we help her and still hold her responsible for what she did?
Extreme backstory:
Dirk and I met Mace back in HS in '97. We both thought she was cute and wanted to get to know her more. We all ate lunch in cafeteria, but at different tables. Dirk and I would move about the cafeteria and interact with multiple groups. In those interactions, I saw just how much Dirk and Mace liked each other, so I decided to not pursue her and let them have their space. Her and I were just friends.
While never officially dating in HS, Dirk and Mace were in each other's lives throughout HS and early college. As people do, they grew apart as both of them were starting their adult lives. One night, unbeknownst to each other, they showed up to the same party. After that they were back in each other's lives again. She was dating another guy, but her and Dirk were just friends again. After a bit, that relationship failed and Dirk and Mace started messing around while still with the other guy. (He was an alcoholic and abusive). When he moved out, Dirk moved in. Dirk helped Mace pay for rent and others things as she was working on her undergrad. Their relationship failed after a couple years too, Dirk moved out, and they stopped talking each other.
Years later, Mace was dating Mine. We all started playing soccer when Dirk and Mace were together, or earlier, and continued after their split. To make a little extra cash to offset the season fees, Dirk and I started reffing. In that time Mace and Mine married. Dirk and I still weren't talking to her, but weren't hostile. One night, one of the other refs got a text from Mace asking if Dirk could announce to the crowd the knew couple since Mace liked Dirk's announcing voice. Dirk said he'd be happy to do that for the new couple. After the game, Mace “attacked” Dirk from behind with the biggest hug in the world.
After that, we all started talking and slowly started to see each other more. Mace and Mine would host parties and we would hang out almost every week. Then, years later, Mace and Mine were having marriage problems. Mine had a tough childhood and developed some serious mental issues. Mine would mentally and emotionally abuse Mace. Mace asked him to get help, but he never did. Mace gave him the ultimatum of get help or she'd leave him. He responded, multiple times, with threatening suicide. I did not know this at the time or I would have done something. She stayed because she was scared and didn't want him to do that. She was done with the relationship but felt trapped.
Semi Recent History: Mace and Dirk started to have feelings for each other again. We got together at Mine and Mace's house to watch Game 6 of the '19 MLB ALCS. Mine and I went to get something from the store before the game and Mace and Dirk took the opportunity to be intimate and started their relationship again. Mace initiated this and said afterwards that she wanted to be with Dirk instead. So they started seeing each other on the side.
As we all know in late '19 and early '20 something major happened to the world. During lock-down, I stayed at home for over two and a half years with my immune compromised roommate. The other three of them hung out a couple times a week at Mace's place and she would go over to Dirk's place every once in a while. Most of the times Dirk went over to her house and every time she went over to his house, they found a way to be intimate.
Finally, being out in public was safe for my roommate! So, I started hanging out with all three of them again. During these visits, Mace and Mine were fighting all the time and making it hard to be around. It came to ahead when we went out to another couples house around Thanksgiving. Dirk wasn't feeling well, so he stayed home. During the night, Mine made a scene and left. I was there to comfort Mace and she dosed my shirt with tears. During her breakdown, she confessed to me that she was in love with Dirk. I told her, yea, I know”, because it was obvious.
I figured she needed to talk more, so we met almost every night over the next couple weeks. During these sessions, we talked about anything and everything. I told her more than ANY other person knows about me and she did to me about her. We became very close, but nothing had changed between us. We were still just friends and I cared more about her well being than anything else. I asked her why she was still with Mine. She confessed that she was scared of what Mine would do. I convinced her to leave Mine. Not to be with me, but just to be safe. Well, with the amount of time we spent together and the closeness we had made, we started having feelings for each other. She told me she couldn't be with Dirk. I asked when the last time her and Dirk were intimate. She lied and told me that it'd been 3 weeks. I found out later that it was the day after the party. I didn't want to start anything too quickly, being new, awkward, and weird.
We were hanging out more and being more outwardly romantic with each other to the point that Dirk noticed and got jealous. I thought it was that they weren't together anymore and it was normal jealousy. Turns out they WERE together and he didn't think anything was going on, just that she was spending all her time with me and being physically and emotionally closer to me. Finally he couldn't take it any more and checked my discord chat with her. He found what he needed to find and was pissed, rightfully so. Dirk and I talked it out and that's when I found out that they'd been intimate this whole time. I was heartbroken. Dirk was house-sitting for a friend and Mace went over to see him. I now know that I was lied to because they said that they just talked all night and hashed things out, having a deep conversation/argument that needed to happen, and strengthening their relationship. Mace told me that if Dirk was in the picture, that she'd try to make it work with him. I offered to step away and let them be. Mace agreed. She lied to Dirk and me, telling Dirk that she'd let me down easy. She didn't have that conversation. During this time we stopped hanging out as much and became just friends again.
We started helping Mace get her stuff out of the house for when she could leave Mine. For a couple months we were moving things into a storage unit for her. In that time, Mace was having a horrible time dealing with everything and broke down constantly. We tried to help her through it the best that we could. Finally, in early 2024, the day she moved out came. She had found a place for herself and I was led to believe that Dirk would live with her because she needed to move out quickly and he wanted to move closer into town. Both were true, but I was led to believe they were being platonic. I found out recently that they weren't. They were moving in as a couple, and she wanted him there from night 1. During the next year we all hung out over there quite a bit. Mace and I got closer again, and being led to believe that her and Dirk were at most seriously in a casual relationship, she pursued me again and I couldn't say no. I was led to believe that I was the one she wanted to be with, but wanted to let Dirk down easy, so I'd have to be patient.
Everything is going well enough, until she decides to finally start the divorce paperwork. Being a tough time in her life, she is breaking down all the time, with the littlest things setting her off. Again, we're there as much as we can be. We love her. She lies to me and tells me that she can't be with anyone right now, and it will take her a while, maybe a couple years to be okay with someone. The whole time, she was still dating Dirk. I'm heartbroken again, but I understand. To add on top of this drama, she loses her job, the renters decide to sell the house rather than re-up the rental agreement, giving Mace and Dirk only 2 months to get out. Dirk, with limited money and savings pays for everything while Mace looks for a new job and a new place to live.
The process repeats itself. We help her and Dirk move into a new place together. I stay away. She pulls me back in. We get intimate since then, again being led to believe that there's nothing serious between her and Dirk. Over the next year, things progress, and I'm led to believe that I'm the only one for her. We talk all the time. I think about her all the time. She, I thought, treats me well. She was my everything. Turns out I wasn't the only one. To the extent of saying I love you over 1000 times, triple heart emojis almost 1300 times, and her calling me her lil pet name for me over 300 times in under a year and a half. I think it's serious, because she led me to believe that while she was looking at houses to buy, she rejected places with floor plans that be difficult for me, as I'm a klutz.
This whole time, unbeknownst to me, she's having a serious relationship with Dirk. Sleeping in the same bed, showering weekly with him, pet names, shopping together, cuddling, going everywhere together, the whole thing that would make him believe it's serious.
This year:
Everything is going well or so I thought. Enter Foil. He starts playing soccer with us and is a really nice guy. We hang out as a group, doing things like karaoke, dancing, and billiards. On Foil's birthday, we go out to karaoke and get him drunk. Mace drives him home and in his drunkenness, Foil kisses Mace on the lips, realizes what he did, and apologizes right away. She laughs it off and lies to him, saying it's okay and that she can't be with him right now because of the divorce. We don't say anything different because she's asked us to no let anyone else know to protect Mine from finding out and possibly hurting himself. We idiotically agree.
Things continue to go well. So well that Mace, Mine, Dirk and I go to Chicago together to see a concert around V Day. We share a bed and sneak a night of intimacy in. During the past month, she sends me dirty pics from home and when she went on work trips, sexting, opening her robe for me while Dirk was in the shower and letting me suck on her nipples. She lied and said they were just for me, all of it. We find out that she was sending the same stuff and being intimate with all 3 of us. Leading us all on.
Start of March she makes Foil believe their in a exclusive, blossoming relationship while still doing all the things with Dirk and me. She tells him that he's the one she wants to be with and that she's turned her world upside down. That's the same thing she said to both me and Dirk. Two and a half weeks ago, she told Dirk and I that she'd started to have feelings for Foil. We told her that was ok, to limit her contact just in case, and we'd be okay. Little did we know that it'd already progressed past that point. Last Thursday night she tells me over text that she's going to try to be with Foil exclusively and that we aren't a thing any more. She tells Dirk the next morning.
Dirk and I confronted Foil and asked to talk about our timelines and get some closure on all of it. He tells us that he'd never would have started anything with her if he knew the truth. He's such a good nice guy that we believe him. She severely downplayed the severity of the relationships between her and both Dirk and I. Going as far as to say that her and Dirk were just platonic and I was just a fling from the past. She downplayed every aspect of what happened just to sound better to Foil and he had no reason not to trust her. The guys are all on the same page and not mad at each other.
Now were all stuck in what to do. We have all the emotions. How do we forgive her? Can we forgive her? Do we talk to her again? See her again? How does she make things right? Dirk is devastated. I'm not doing well at all, and Foil is upset. All 4 of us are sitting down on Sunday night to talk. What do I say? Why would someone do this out of the blue to two people she supposedly loves? How can she ruin two almost 30 year friendships for another guy?
Dirk and I know we fucked up by being involved with the same married woman, by not talking to each other right away, and by not being open with each other. We've hashed things out and are closer now than ever.
Any constructive advice is welcome, but please don't placate. Send cute or funny animal pics if you want.