TLDR
21M, tried every dating route possible, around 35 dates and still can’t find mutual connection. I don’t want hookups, I want genuine affection and romance. How can i stop looking for love if i want it? For the guys who eventually escaped this cycle: what changed? What worked?
I’m writing this after the latest ghosting.
I ran from work to catch a 2 hour train to see this guy. The date had been planned and confirmed a week in advance. The second I sat down on the train, I got a message saying he “vomited all night” and couldn’t make it. The excuse was so absurd it honestly became funny. Like what happened, Ebola?
Anyway. At that point I thought: okay, I’ve had enough, this is the final straw, this is not working..
I know this topic gets posted a lot here, and I’ve read a ton of threads already, but I wanted more personal insight from people who actually got out of this situation.
I’m 21M. Had my first real situationship a year ago, amazing connection, first love type of thing. Then came the classic “1 month of love, 1 year of therapy”.
Since then I’ve gone on a ridiculous number of dates. Around 80 chats that led to 35 actual dates, and only 6 made it past the first one.
Usually it ends in one of two ways:
either I realize I only kinda like them and I’m honest about it,
or they lose interest.
And it’s not like i have extreme standards. I just want thin, decent looking, avg height and decently smart or at least interesting. I don’t think i’m asking for the moon. (tell me if I'm wrong)
And it’s also not like i am not interesting or anything. I have an athletic physique, 6ft tall, decently good looking, dress well, have a lot going on in my life, i’m healthy, i’m smart and tend to be interesting. So this isn’t an incel post or a “nobody wants me” post.
The issue is specifically mutual connection.
I’ve tried basically every route possible:
Tinder, Hinge, Grindr, Instagram, mutual friends, bars, parties, etc. I even moved to Milano where there are obviously tons of gay guys.
It’s not loneliness or horniness. My life is already full. Friends help. Work helps. Gym helps. But none of those replace romantic affection.
What I actually want is affection, intimacy, romance, tenderness, sleeping together, caring for someone. More “making love” than just sex.
What frustrates me is that a lot of my friends found relationships while barely trying, meanwhile I feel like I’m putting insane effort into this and getting nowhere.
People always say “it happens when you stop looking,” but how can i stop looking for something i want so badly?
So I’m asking the guys here who were stuck in this same cycle:
what actually changed things for you?
How did you finally find someone you genuinely liked who also liked you back?