What does this say about me? It’s scaring me.
What does it say about me when I deliberately create stories with so much pain worse than anything I would’ve seen yet and push it far enough until I cry at my own words? When I push after that anyways making the character hurt and hurt until they wanted to die? Making them get punished, betrayed, exhausted, disappointed, have family problems…? When even when I’m crying I keep making my characters feel guilt, shame, hatred, fear, anger, anxiety, sadness, grief, regret, all of that? I sometimes write details, describe blood and gore and thoughts. Sometimes explicitly. But more often implied. Like ‘at times she found herself leaning over the balcony or staring at the bottle of pills for too long wondering…’ blah blah blah you get it I’m not allowed to describe. I make them starve, get beaten, punished, or just yelled at, kicked out of the house, dismissed, abused, attacked, relive memories that aren’t real, get them into accidents, make them sick, or violent, or make it bad enough… yeah I don’t know. And I keep going even when I need up crying. Then I make a character hug them… and weaponise that too into a ‘how dare they act caring after all that’s happened’. So like comfort. But I make my character so broken that comfort feels like a sin. I don’t know.