u/Fluffy_Wonder_7897

They are living in a fantasy and are disconnected from reality.

When I needed his protection when people were unkind he was not protective or present.

I was made to feel unvalued and unlovable because he hyjacked his neuropathways with porn and hookups

He was the first lover who did not know my body, it's scars, it's moles, it's imperfections. He didn't look at it he didn't study it. Intimacy was a task I had to beg for a schedule. I now know why. He was spent and he felt his body was a priveledge for him to use on whom he selected not his own wife.

He was unavailable, not present and would not gaze into my eyes

My body was not where he went to to seek solace and comfort from the world, I was not his refuge or safe place

He did not look longingly at me when I undressed

He promised me intimacy once a month which I made the bare minium and then denied me intimacy leaving me in a pile of sobs and roling his eyes, walking out the door and leaving me for what I can only assume were other hookups or selfish soothing. When hwe returned he would not want to comfort or hold me as a healthy partner would for reconnection and reconcilliation.

He expected me to apologize for getting upset after being denied for days straight during my fertility cycle of simply being held with clothes on. I irritated him, I was too emotional, I was lashing out at him, I was irrational. He left for his protection so it wouldn't escalate. (He left for his pleasure and punishment against me.)

He did not feel present, connected or strong for me to lean on. He was somewhere else. He didn't listen to me, he didn't pay attention to me, he didn't adhere to a wife's wisdom sent by G to lead him on precious paths and to protect him.

He ate dinners in bed with his earphones. He didn't want to enjoy dinners together bonding over the day.

He had many masks and I felt like I was on a rollercoaster of hoping for best. If I just did this or that or was a little more of this and a little less of that and found the magic formula I could fix it.

I bought beautiful dreamy clothes in hopes that he would find me beautiful. I bought things to help him perform. I bought lingerie. I dieted down to the weight of a model.

I was agreeable. I was respectful. I was loyal. I was a wife and woman of g. I prayed. I spoke to G.I gave him more space. I tried to be more interesting and more involved in my life and my activities.

I went to the gym regularly. I cooked organic beautiful meals. I lived off raw foods and celery juice for months. I beautified my skin and hair. I went on one detox after another.

I texted my hurt feelings of being rejected. I cried. I begged. I pleaded.

I got him a counselor that specialized in porn. I waited. I gave space. I gave privacy.

I got an app Convenant Eyes for his labtop and computer.

I got supplements for his performance, tested his testosterone levels and insured I gave him cucumber juice to help his blood flow.

I did this all for four long years until the day he walked out of the house once again muttering to himself while I cried alone softly in the room because he didn't want to hold me for 5 minutes on his return home during my fertility day in which he had again promised not to let me down. This time when he left I did not self blame. I could not catch my breath as I sat sobbing crumpled on the kitchen floor knowing none of this was ever my fault. That I had nothing to apologize for. That I didn't know this man who had promised me his hand in marriage. That this person was against me not for me.

He became a stranger. He gave me a dissociation of who he presented himself to be an who he really was. He had cheated before he met me he had cheated all along, he was cheating on the honeymoon, he was cheating on day one of the marriage. He never gave me a chance. He denied me a marriage. He denied me a child. He is in a delusion believing he is in control. It is controlling him.

This is far beyond consuming porn. This is sadism. This is a person that viewed his body as superior and shopped for bodies while I shopped for modest dresses. He didn't want to spend his lust on a wife he had written up a list of grudges and grievances against. He wanted to conquer me and control me. He wanted to destroy me.

I was very sick during these four years but there were other contributing factors like covid, mold and pesticides but it was not good for my nervous system and regulation to be denied being held. To be denied cuddling in bed early on Saturday and Sunday mornings when his schedule was not booked. He never reached out for me when he awoke in the mornings. It saddened me. I never insisted what so ever that it be lustful I was referring to cuddling and affection.

I am leaving. I did all I could do to save him while he slowly drowned me. There are men so terrified of love that they will literally kill themselves and its source before ever accepting it. Stay close to G He will lead you out with your dignity.

Best

I was in a sexless marriage and being an empath I stayed longer than most trying to solve and fix and better a marriage with a man I finally discovered had been outsourcing sex from day one and as a lifestyle.

On here I had come across a woman mentioning Red Piling originating from the movie the Matrix. He often mentioned Matrix being his favorite movie and as I have no interest in the movie or other science fiction movies I paid no attention. It turns out that was significant.

The reasons for him not wanting to have intimacy with me varied from working on trying to have intimacy with you (could we be more insulting to insinuate I am trying to be attracted to you?), I am tired, I am hot, I ate too much, my stomach doesn't feel right, we aren't getting along, we just fought...(the fight would be that he escalated me to sobs once again denying me even a hug during my fertility day)

He would promise to hold me once a month during the height of my fertility which I even reduced to hugging me with clothing for 5 minutes or rubbing my back to work around his performance issues or whatever trauma perhaps he had? This in no way was what I could be whole with and had no idea that in actuality he was spent due to outside sourcing of sex with absolutely no....remorse what so ever in any shape way or form. This happened from day one of our marriage...even the honeymoon was a flop.

I recently did a diet and got down to 101 pounds and bought new underwear and out of the power and control game that's been central to the marriage he didn't even glance up from his computer. I had to ask do you like my bra I got for you? Without any energy or passion or longing but a drained hand upon my back he said yes it's nice. Now if that isn't the final litmus test.....something in me broke three weeks ago. I was piled in uncontrolable sobs on the kitchen floor, I could not even catch my breath and this man once....again had walked out on me when I was quiet sobbing because he was frustrated when I had asked for a 5-10 minute clothed hug on the bed. He must have been coming home from outsourcing sex because keep in mind porn online does not stay online it goes to addresses and easily. From live videos to addresses. That nervous breakdown understanding what was supposed to be "my" person was my enemy and understanding for the first time in four years that this was not something to self blame for again or to be twisted around to apologize to the perpetrator of pain.

Porn had been used as a power play. Keep a roster of women so that you never have to be "weak" and attach to a manipulative woman again who seeks to control you. That is the premis of Red Piling and that woman just want money. Well, he paid for more than I did in the relationship including beautiful gifts which completely confused me but yes I am walking away for my sanity. To understand the depths of depravity of a mind void of compassion and empathy for another human let alone one's wife....for a need to control. What is controlling this person is addictions which as a wife I wanted to encourage him to eat healthy, to stop the drinking, the tobacco any and all of it and who knows what else meanwhile he was slowly killing me. As another woman wrote she doesn't want to be a detective to a man supposed to be her husband. She doesn't want to check on the aps to see if he is looking at porn. And they can easily get an Ipad or throw away phone to do so.

The lord meant for us to attach and I had and I put in four years of trying to firstly understand if he had a health issue or past trauma meanwhile he was lying the whole time. The response would always be "I don't know" ....the complete absence of a conscience to use my time and break my heart. It's truly unconsciencenable to me and my brain can't fully wrap around it. People even myself are being used as pawns in his chess game. Each one in a justified contract agreement that he manufactured even if we as the victims have no idea of what the exchange is. He justifies is by "helping" them with money or things and takes what he needs from them. I was bought diamond earings at a price beyond what most people receive and I excepted them because I always wanted proof that he loved me but at the same time instinctively I felt he was trying to buy the lord's forgiveness for a time my gut sensed he cheated on me...because as women we know.

Trust your gut, trust your gut beyond what the clueless therapist say who do not specilize in personality disorders or your friends who have happy marriages and can not imagine this darkness.

Thank g the veil has lifted and the spell has broken, I will be coming home to g and a godly husband. The lord has been waiting patiently for me to do so.

This was hell.