This might be a little long winded, but I’m just trying to get this off my chest.
F23. I’ve been using porn (both videos and erotica) since I was 12 and over the years it has gotten progressively worse and more extreme content. I’m not going to go into details but it was terrible things I should have never watched or got off too. I was also in these terrible chat rooms and said things I wish I never had and don’t even believe. I feel so much guilt and I’m so ashamed. Outside of getting off, I’m not even remotely attracted to any of the things I’ve seen. A couple of years ago, I also did something sexual (again, not going into details) that I deeply regret and I feel like all of these things will forever be a stain on me.
I feel like such a perverted predator, and such a hypocrite. Like I can’t even call out the people actually committing these acts because I feel like I’m one of them.
I had been trying to quit off and on since this all started when I was younger to no success. But I scared myself back in January 2026. It’s like I woke up and realized what I was doing. That was the last time I watch any of the extreme content. In March I relapsed a little with some “normal” erotica and a couple of “normal” videos, but since then I haven’t touch any porn. I haven’t even had any sexual urges.
At first I was fine, I may have had a dark thought that passed quickly, mostly guilt and regret, but about three weeks ago, I started having this consistent feeling of anxiety and tightness in my chest. I also couldn’t stop thinking about all the things I’ve watched and the thing I’ve done, it’s been so overwhelming, and I’ve never felt this way before.
I can’t stop thinking about what kind of person this makes me, how others would see me if they ever found out, how my family would disown me.
It’s really hard for me to enjoy anything right now with these intrusive thoughts. Before these feelings started I could watch tv and read books, especially romance. (This never had anything to do with porn, it was always separate). But now every time I try, I just think about how these characters would see me, and how they would think I’m such a terrible human being. How I will never deserve to have love or be loved like my favorite characters. I know this is stupid but I can’t stop thinking this way.
Anyway, because of these feelings were crippling me and even making it hard to function at work (I had to take a whole week off) I decided to talk to a psychiatrist to help manage these feelings. She put me on some anxiety meds and I have an appointment with a therapist.
I want to get help, I’m not sure how much detail to go into. I’m definitely going to tell them I’ve had a problem with porn and that it lead to something sexual that I regret and feel shame and guilt over, I just don’t know how much detail to give. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give explicit details about these things, is that going to be a problem?
Will I ever heal from this? Will I always have these feelings of guilt and shame? Do I even deserve to feel any different?
I’m trying to be a better person, I just don’t know how to move on from this.