Throwaway account with fake names and details.
Hi potato queen and potato fans! This is a situation that I've been dealing with and would like some outside perspective on.This story has a lot to it and might be a bit all over the place so I apologisze in advance for any confusion and please don't hesitate to ask questions. Now, onto the story.
So, for context, I (19M) have a friend who we'll call Lee (19F). Lee and I became friends in elementary school, but Lee moved to a different state around 5th or 6th grade. We lost touch for a few years, but got back in touch in sophomore year of high school through social media. I also want to clarify that I'm gay, so this story isn't a matter of Lee having feelings for me.
So like I mentioned, Lee and I got back in touch in sophomore year of high school. At the time, she had a boyfriend. Let's call him Kyle. So during that time, everything was fine. She seemed happy. Her life seemed normal. But I noticed she was very attached to Kyle, and a little voice in my head said, "If they break up, all hell will break loose."
Well, toward the middle of sophomore year, that fear came true. Not only did they break up, but HE broke up with HER, and it wasn't mutual in any sense of the word. And thus began the roller coaster ride that has continued up to this point.
So naturally, Lee was not okay at all after the breakup. She very frequently called me crying and would send me snaps about how horrible her day was going and how it sucked that she had to see him at school every day. Though I've never had a boyfriend, I've had a couple of pretty bad heartbreaks and often felt alone when I went through them. Knowing how hard it must be for Lee, given that she actually dated Kyle, I was committed to supporting her as much as I could and showing up for her whenever she needed someone to talk to. Since I had learned a lot from those heartbreaks (and, of course, from our incredible Potato Queen), she was constantly asking for advice, which at the time, I was very happy to give.
Now, the next couple of years after that are a bit of a blur, so I can't remember many details. But I can tell you a couple of things. First, Lee began seeing a therapist and did get on antidepressants, but I think both things have ended for whatever reason. Second, it seemed as though everyone in her life sucked: her teachers, her friends, you name it. At the time, I just thought everyone around her sucked. But, whenever she called, snapped, or texted, Kyle always come up somehow. Sometimes Lee would full no shit talk Kyle, and other times she thought they would get back together. For reference, here are some examples of things that happened and things she told me based on some saved snaps on Snapchat.
- Like I mentioned, Lee wanted to get back with Kyle. There were times when it seemed to her like he also wanted to get back with her. Given that I was only hearing from her, it sounded convincing. But after the initial "HE WANTS TO GET BACK WITH ME!", it would always end with her being sad.
- Whenever Lee asked Kyle to hang out, he was always busy, a lot of times because he was "with the boys". BUT, when no one else was available, that's when he'd reach out to her.
- They kissed and made out. A lot. But Kyle would immediately become distant after.
- Kyle became distant with Lee whenever his friends were around or make excuses for her to not come. For instance, around junior or senior year, Kyle was going to see a movie with his friends and when Lee asked if she could join, Kyle said something along the lines of "I don't think you would like it because you're a girl and there's violence and filthy topics"
After noticing these patterns, I concluded only one thing: Kyle wanted Lee for her body. No matter how many times I told her that, she'd always end up going back to him.
Fast forward. We both start college. At the time of writing this, I'm almost done with my first year. This is the part of the story where I think I might be overreacting.
So, at the time of starting college, it had been ~2.5 years since Kyle broke up with Lee. I was excited for Lee because she could finally get away from Kyle and make new friends who would treat her better than some of the people she went to high school with.
Yeah... unfortunately, I could not have been more wrong. Both she and Kyle chose universities in their state that are within driving distance from their hometown, and Lee would go home almost every weekend.
She and I were going through a lot of the same things at the beginning of first semester. We were both college freshmen and trying to find our people and where we belonged. This is to say that at the beginning of the semester, her struggles seemed normal. However, within about a month or so, it started to get really, really annoying for a few reasons.
Remember when I said I was excited because she'd have a better chance of moving on from Kyle? Well, she was still complaining about him, seemingly more than usual. For example, she once sent me a snap that said something like "I feel sick Kyle is talking to other girls" when, to my knowledge, neither of them agreed they were exclusive.
As I mentioned, she was going home every weekend. And every time she did, she'd complain about something, be it her parents or people from her hometown. While some of them were valid, it began to take a toll on me. This was in large part because I had chosen a university on the other side of the country, a 5 hour flight from my home town. While I was happy with where I was, I was also homesick and struggling to find my people. So whenever she complained I'd think to myself something like "you're CHOOSING to go home every weekend and you're still complaining. Meanwhile I don't have the luxury of going home every weekend.
She was complaining about the people at her university and not being able to make friends. I, of course, was going through something similar and since I couldn't just go home, I gave her advice based on what I was doing to make friends. It was always the usual things: going to clubs, exploring other interests, etc. However, the advice I gave was almost never taken.
She started calling me almost every night. No exaggeration. Mind you, I'm NOT a night owl and since I took initiative, I had joined various activities and filled my days. Therefore, whenever she'd call me, I began making excuses like "I have to be up early" or something like that because I just wasn't in the headspace. All the calls were like McDonald's: Kyle, Kyle, complaints about school or friends or paretns, and more Kyle. And if you're wondering, no, she never really asked about me or how I was doing. Every time I speak to her, I feel like I'm back in high school.
Now onto the biggest reason as to why I might be overreacting.
So, a couple of months ago, Lee went through something traumatic at her university. I'm not going to give the details, but it was bad enough she had to drop out and move back home (and she wasn't being dramatic about this; this actually was something traumatic). So naturally, I once again committed to offering as much support as possible now that she actually had PTSD.
However, since then, the event is only a small fraction of our conversations. Care to guess what the main topic is? If you said Kyle you would be correct. Mind you, it's now second semester, three years since they first broke up. Now she's annoyed because Kyle is now contacting her nonstop asking to hang out but makes it clear it's only because he wants, as Charlotte would put it, the giggidy-goo. And every time, she says no (becuase that's not what she wants) and he gets mad whenever she says no. But still, instead of blocking him or setting boundaries, she continues to complain about him and somehow seems shocked every time.
Now, whenever I get a call and I see it's her, I roll my eyes and, in some cases, will audibly say something like "ugh not again". Not because I don't care, but I'm just so sick of having the same conversations for like 3 years at this point without her doing anything to try and change it.
Last little part, this all came to a head a few days ago. Her cat had been very sick and her family had to make the decision to put her down. A couple hours after, she called and I picked up the phone without rolling my eyes or complaining because I assumed it would be about the cat. Boy was I wrong. Instead of focusing on the fact that... well... her cat was going to die the next day, she was in her car, driving around to see if Kyle was out somewhere. I was like GIRL YOU JUST MADE THE DECISION TO PUT YOUR CAT DOWN AND YOU'RE OUT SEARCHING FOR THIS BOY (in my head, not out loud).
But now, it's been a couple days, and her cat has been put down. While I want to be supportive, I'm genuinely scared to call or text her because deep down I feel like she's somehow going to make it about Kyle.
Yes, I want to be a good friend and be supportive. But after almost 3 years of saying the exact same things and giving advice (which she often asks for) without having it be taken and feeling like I need to be at her beck and call when I have a life is starting to get really draining. AIO for feeling like she's been using my as her unpaid therapist?