u/FluffyLlamaPants

Nine months should be enough, the tribute was paid to Love with grade A suffering in full. I think I've sufficiently paid for my love for you. Today I decided that this "processing of grief" is becoming my identity. My addiction. A homage to a dark goddess that's never satisfied. It's like living in a burn unit.

If I stop grieving you, us, then did I even love deeply?

Nine months this took from me so far. Plus three or four of getting brave enough to leave. I'm ready to pack up these mourning candles and the wilted flowers. Perhaps I'll turn this Temple to Pain into a yoga studio or a wood shop.

I'm ready to truly end this.

"I want to date others".

Warning: this is the most pathetic story you'll hear all day and I'm embarrassed to write it, but I can't be choking on these thoughts anymore.

Three years - we were such a perfect couple. Never a fight, never an issue, completely in sync, there's nothing we didn't enjoy doing together. Costco runs? Fuck yes! Doing the lawn? Anytime, baby. Holidays together, vacations, sex, omg - the chemistry! I couldn't get enough, anytime, any way. Being with him was like walking into a holy temple. The simple ease of being. Exploring new places. Cooking together. Sleeping next to him, listening to his heartbeat. Praying for his safety while he's at work. Making sure to call in the morning before the shift started, and say "I love you" ( in case something went wrong, I wanted to make sure he was told that he's loved. Dangerous job.). I looked at him as a miracle, right there by my side, in my bed. A living miracle. For me, how did I get to be so lucky that this man chose me?!

He was everything I couldn't dream of. Attentive, kind, generous. He'd drive to my house after work just to shower me with love, attention, food. "I'll never take you for granted" he said to me early in our relationship. He'd make comments, jokes about how we'd grow old together and I started believing in that dream. He called me his princess. "My love". Me, at my age! Beating the odds, finding something genuine. My family loved him. It be so much easier to process if he was an abusive piece of shit. I feel like I can't trust reality anymore, what a mindfuck.

Then a friend told me, are you and __ ok? I think I saw him on Hinge. When?! The other day.

Cold facts in my face. I get panic attacks when I remember that night. Active dating profiles. And not just one app. Many. Calling in women, saying that he has "so much love to give". That he's looking for a monogamous relationship but still figuring out his dating goals. "I can't wait to meet you!" God, those profile pictures were the worst too. I watched him remain active on the dating apps for hours, every day. While he was at work, at home. Every moment without me, he seemed to be there. Looking. While calling me the "love of my life" to my face. While making plans for next year, he was looking to replace me. Possibly through the whole relationship. He couldn't wait to meet them.

Suddenly so many things clicked. The odd schedule changes. Small things that didn't add up, inconsistencies. Things he said that didn't match up, and I thought he's just tired - were lies. Clumsy lies. The phone, forever hidden from me, God, i remember watching him run around with his phone, constantly grabbing it, now feels so gross. I was gone from his wallpaper. The sudden "plans with family". And yet, each time he came back just as tender, loving. Wholesome. Mine. Showering me with affection.

I confronted him about it. Asked, why are you still looking?

"I don't know."

Do you even want to be with me?

"I want to date others."

That's it. Nothing wrong with us. Nothing wrong With me. In facts. I'm "the best thing that ever happened to him". He "loves me, cares for me". That's all I got. He wasn't going to tell me, if I didn't catch him. He was just going to continue pretending to love, use my body and time, until someone else came along. And then what, I asked? Were you going to simply dump me out of the blue or see them behind my back? "I don't know ". That's all I got. No plan. No new hot crush. Just "I don't know."

He spoke of loyalty so much, for three years, and honesty. How honesty is everything. How communication is the most important thing in a relationship. How he's been cheated on before.

And just like that, three years later, I was out. The novelty wore off, I guess. He wanted to be on dating apps while still leading me on, thinking I was his beloved.

I wanted to be by his side as we grew old. I didn't want a marriage. I don't want his pension, his money, his nothing. Just him. His family. Just to watch him grow, change, be there for him when life starts taking things away (we're old). Help him to care for his folks. Hold him when they pass. Support him in his dreams. Be the woman he claimed he always wanted and never had. Not even in his previous long term marriage. I wanted to share my own adventures with him, my life, dreams. I wanted to share everything life has in store with him. Just him.

God, I loved him. I hate that I still do. I feel so broken, so stupid. I lost to...nothing. Maybe things are different for guys, but I've had so much rejection and stress, when I was on dating apps. They say "it's easy for women " - it is if you just want to be someone's sex toy, I guess. Me, I rarely even got second dates. I guess I'm not the catch I imagined myself to be. Never again for me. He chose the dating apps over something that was so rare and beautiful, or so I believed.

He used to fawn over me, say how beautiful I am, how he won the lotto. God, he'd spend thousands on me, taking me on vacations. I never asked for any of it. He would buy me lotto tickets and joke that he'd know I won, if he never heard from me again. He's saying How lucky he is. How "he knows what he got, and he won't let go." How he can't wait to make me part of his family. How incredible, smart, loving and kind I am. How I'm his peace. How I'm the one he's been waiting for his whole life.

But Hinge, you know, it's better than being loved, I guess. I asked him to delete his dating profiles at least while we're still "seeing each other", because he kept reaching out and piling on the same affection and attention. I said, I'm not asking for forever, just basic respect. I allowed myself to be downgraded to "just sex, no promises", because...yeah. I'm so ashamed of myself. I still hoped that three years meant something, that maybe...

His face ...he looked like I asked him to put down his dog. "I want to date others". That's it. That's all I got. He wouldn't delete his profiles. He said:" I AM being honest, I gave you no promises so that I don't break them!"

Three years, my man. You brought me into your home, your life, your children's lives, and made me believe that you saw a future with me. Maybe I'm just incredibly stupid.

I haven't come out of the house since, not really. The world doesn't feel safe. I'm scared to run into him even though there's no chance of that. It's been almost a year since I found out, and 9 months since I finally walked away. I blocked him on everything, because I cannot risk seeing him with someone else.

Some days I'm almost ok. Others, like today, yesterday, nonstop tears. Some waves last a week, when I'm barely functioning. I cry so much that I get migraines. I feel like a pathetic reject, my sense of self worth is barely alive. But home alone, one doesn't need self worth. That's where I am most happy now and there are whole stretches of time when I can feel coming back to life. I create, study, and read. My library has grown! I picked up new skills, try to stay active. I won't be looking for love, likely, ever again. It's too late for me anyway - no one wants an old lady hanging around . But I still didn't deserve this. Or maybe I did, maybe some karma didn't get paid out. If that's the case, then let it.

You want to know the most pathetic thing in the world? You're gonna laugh. I wanted to win a lotto so I could buy him a ring. It's a titanium band with inlays of real dinosaur bone, mother of pearl, and real meteorite. Expensive - I can't afford something like this right now. I'm rebuilding my life after a divorce. I was going to give it to him with an inscription: " between the deepest earth and the highest sky, ou are at the center of it all for me." Pathetic, right? I don't care, it was my dream. Maybe I'd write a better line, but it doesn't matter now.

I hope FB dating was worth it for him. I am losing strength to even feel angry anymore, just so profoundly sad. I put it all on the table and the house won, again.