18f audhd
Neurotypicals make little sense to me and it’s draining trying to mask while also keeping myself regulated from the things they do that trigger me. For example while me and my nt friend were at prom last year she kept telling me to dance even though I was nervous and I can’t even dance I don’t even dance alone. I was kinda swaying to the beat and that was good enough for me (tbh when I hear good music I don’t want to dance I just want to sing along)and I told her this but she was like “just feel the music 😜🤪”. and kept trying to teach me. Like now I want to go home. I was trying my hardest and I just felt like a freak even though it wasn’t her intention to make me feel like that. Another example is at work it’s noisy and busy and I’m constantly bumping into my co workers, stuttering, sweating and just messy asf and on top of that it’s just too social. So now I have to pretend to not be overstimulated and scared of messing up because I’m fairly new to the job, because if I don’t try my best to mask they will treat me like I’m crazy for not wanting to talk and joke around with them. Not that they include me all the time anyway. Sometimes they will so I will think they want me to talk to them more then some shifts they ignore me after I initiate small talk to which they answer dryly. When I try they seem weirded out by me but when I’m quiet they think I’m sad or mad when I’m just a quiet person. I also noticed that because some people are loud and “funny”they get away with being lazy at work but if I make a mistake they seem annoyed. I don’t understand why they not understand that people are just different and aren’t being a dick by not wanting to hang out all the time or text all the time and god forbid I behave weird or my mild speech impediment comes out. I need tips on how to regulate myself and tips in general because I get so frustrated and sad that I feel like I can’t breath and want to cry and the one of the only things that helps immediately is apparently a form of sh. Another thing is my sister doesn’t understand that I can be out of it and slow at times because of my issues. She makes us go to Walmart and walks super fast cause she’s taller and doesn’t care that I can’t walk that fast and gets mad when I’m not getting the groceries quick enough or if I’m not behaving as smart as she’d like . But Walmart is sensory hell for me from the lights that hurt my eyes and give me a headache to the music and crowds of people.And don’t forget the cramped aisles and I already struggle with moving around people efficiently I always knew I was neurodivergent but I was recently diagnosed with audhd and I’m on medication and therapy for that and other things. I just want every interaction with people even some of my family to stop being so painful.