u/Fluffy-Eggplant491

once i started dating and got out of my first relationship, i was always seeing someone. there was no period of time for 4 years wherein i wasn’t in a committed relationship or a “situationship”, a lot of the time with people i didn’t even want to be in a committed relationship with and didn’t care about, but would still get upset that they didn’t want to be in a real relationship. it took me many years to not constantly compare everyone to and seek out a similar relationship with the guy i had a crush on from middle school throughout highschool. it wasn’t until i met someone that i actually really liked when i was 21 and he became the new guy i was constantly looking for in everyone else. it feels extremely hard for me to make a connection with someone and to actually feel like i could love them. we saw eachother on and off for about 6 months and when things ended i literally cried for 30 days straight, would cry whenever i tried to eat, and would throw up from crying so hard. i had never experienced heartbreak like that before and thought that i was going to die from crying. after that, i took a break from dating for about 9 months. i hung out with my friends a lot, was going to therapy, and tried to focus on my hobbies and i felt like my bpd symptoms were practically gone. then i moved cities and was struggling a lot with depressive symptoms, boredom, loneliness and isolation, so i started dating again. even though i was seeking a long term relationship, no one i was seeing was interesting enough to me. i don’t talk to my friends very often, im not close with my family, and really struggle with feeling like im going to be alone forever if i don’t find someone soon. i can only do so much art and so much hiking before i feel like im losing my mind. im 24 now and i took a break from dating again until recently and have been trying to be more intentional. i don’t want to keep having short term relationships with people, entertaining strangers, and feeling awful about myself everytime i sleep with someone new. im tired of meeting new people. i want to be in love and be loved back and want to spend my 20s with someone who’s company i enjoy. in march i was texting everyday with a guy i really liked and only hung out with him a few times, and my emotions got really intense and i assumed (correctly) that he wasn’t looking for anything long term so we stopped talking. i didn’t expect to like him as much as i did, but felt like we just meshed well and was extremely upset when things ended. i started going to therapy again a few days after we stopped talking because i realized while we were still seeing eachother how unstable i was becoming. ive been seeing someone new for about a month that actually wants a relationship but i just feel no connection with him and i know i should just end things with him, but i selfishly don’t want to keep being alone and keep repeating this banal cycle. i still think about the guy i was seeing last month, still look at his instagram, still wish he would reach out again, and miss him whenever im hanging out with the new guy. i hate it and i hate that i feel this way, i know you can’t force a connection and i just wish things would stop working out the way that they have been. i feel like i only like and want people who don’t want to actually be in a relationship, and it’s only when i start to feel emotionally unstable that i know that i actually like someone, and i don’t know what to do anymore.