It’s been 6 months
Pretty much just a long vent
It’s been 6 months and I still think about her. I still cry about how she could just vanish without caring to check in on me.
I have a message pre-typed in my notes of all the things I would say to her if i wanted to. I was going to send it but then I realised only three things could happen.
One, she’d reply and apologise and we would go back to talking. The lenient, “walk all over me” part of me STILL wants this to happen but I know it wouldn’t be the same and I’d be secretly resentful.
Two, she’d respond, again maybe apologise but the conversation would fade / she’d disappear again. This would make me feel even worse.
Or three, she’d ignore me once again. Also would make me feel 10x worse.
So yeah I’m not going to send it. There’s no way for me to get what I want here, which is a genuine friendship. I thought we had that but I guess she didn’t value it as much as I did.
I know it’s partly my fault. I had my moments. I had some issues I needed to work through and I sometimes trauma dumped on her because she was the first person to come around and truly listen and relate to me. I told her this and apologised if I was ever too much.
I’ve done a lot of reflection on that and realised that maybe she felt she needed to step back in order to protect her own peace. But at the same time it’s not like she wasn’t blowing up my phone. I was also responsible for giving her attention during a time that was difficult and lonely for her. We were both codependent on one and other. I guess she realised that before I did and dipped.
I still deserved a goodbye though. Our friendship wasn’t always heavy (it was an online friendship btw). We had a few heavy conversations over the months but most of the time we just laughed, sent memes and voice notes, gave general updates on our lives. Sent photos. The good outweighed the difficult. She told me plenty of times how much she cared about me. How special, talented and beautiful I was. She initiated the friendship. She was all over me in the beginning. Then she just disappeared on a random day during a normal conversation. I gave her a couple of months space, then messaged again to check in and never got a response. Felt like I was love bombed and abandoned tbh. She opened the door for me to be vulnerable with her and then slammed it in my face.
I had my faults but I was a fucking genuine friend and I won’t be made to think differently. Hell I never even criticised her on anything lol. Not once, since I like to please people. I always listened to her. Never shut her down, never tried to make life difficult for her. Never told her she HAD to talk to me or pressured her. Gave her great advice and helped her figure out a lot of issues. Never pushed back when she would tell me what I should do with my life and how I should have the same plans as her. Raised no issue when it felt like she was too busy for me.
Idk, I’m going into a tangent. Bottom line, I’m finally trying to come to a place of acceptance that clearly she only needed me for a certain period of time before she got bored or didn’t like having the responsibility of the friendship. It’s probably for the best. It started to feel like she was treating talking to me as something to get done on her schedule. Every time her name popped up on my phone it was like this dopamine hit of validation. Like “good, I’m being good enough so that she still wants to talk to me”. “Yay I still have her approval”. That’s no good for me.
I’m not doing online friendships again. They’re not built to last. And I definitely need to stop putting people on pedestals. I looked up to her, and now I have no idea why I did.