u/Flimsy_Sky5488

Cant add another tag but content warning for violence too. Disturbing stuff so please don’t read if you can’t handle that. Im 19, F. I don’t think writing this & running to Reddit will get me help or is an actual answer. but I don’t know what to do anymore. Not trying to sound negative or anything idk how to talk anymore idk anything at this point. So overwhelmed can’t even think straight. Nothing seems real. I don’t want to be here anymore. All my life I’ve had abuse both physically, sexually. My parents spilt when I was 4. my dad moved mom started hitting and being more crazier. She was 35-37 at the time and got with a 20-22 year old. She would get the belt for everything. I was 5 and I didn’t clean my room properly or something about that specifically and she beat me so hard it left marks on my back. When I went to the kitchen she put her hands on it and said she didn’t mean to go so deep. But she never stopped. It happened over & over again she would always hit me in the face, mouth, hands, back. Always had mental issues I would hit my head into things as a toddler & had other stuff but no one did anything. At 10 I was burning paper in the bathroom in the sink because I thought it looked nice and when she found out she made me walk down the hallway and as she did she hit me as hard as she could with the belt. I remember crying begging her not to but she did and it was bad I was on the floor on my back and couldn’t breathe. She then got my father on the phone and put it to my ear as I was on the floor and had him scold me. More stuff happened then after my 12th birthday party. Her partner started to do things to me. Month after he was caught because I wrote a note saying this was wrong and I wanted to stop. My mom found the note and yk again went crazy. She was making up stories about us and saying how I liked it and taunting me and more. She did it front of her friends I remember being in their house and everyone knew. It was so bad. She then would start threatening me that she’d send me away because I wasn’t telling the truth by her terms. 2-3 months later since my dad lived in another state she packed up my stuff and sent me away in the middle of the night. She didn’t even drive me it was one of her friends and her friend got mad at me because I didn’t want to move away. She took everything from me. I cared about school and my friends so much they were my only escape at the time and I was used to living there and with her. Idk why i didn’t want to leave her but anyways at my dads he didn’t know what to do with me especially since he was too mentally occupied with his wife and starting his new family that he just didn’t care. I was left in a room. Alone. No one raised me. No one taught me anything. Nothing. Just leaving food for me and sometimes buying me clothes and shoes. That’s how life has been from 12 to now. I haven’t had friends that have stuck because I weirded them out or made them uncomfortable because I didn’t know how to act normal and not so emotional. I was just discarded by my boyfriend last month because he was a 🌽 addict and chose that over me but before he did ofc he was manipulative. Had me also tell him all this and give me the idea that I could be loved and cared for. That he cared about my issues but he ended up using them against me and started to hit me too. He would strangle me, hit my head in, slap, more. I can’t take real life anymore I just want someone to talk to I can’t take this