u/FleetingIAm_1243

I’m (23yo droupout with debts) gonna start by saying I have a very particular, medically adjacent, job I’ve been doing for a couple years now, and it does not have a ”normal” schedule. Instead it consists of 24 hour shifts spread out roughly twice a week. So it is guaranteed that I’ll work each day of the 7 days of the week atleast twice a month. This schedule is non-negociable due to the nature of the service provided. Now, I do like this job, but it’s not something I want to do perpetually.

I tried applying last year for college but they told me I needed to be there for the lectures, which fair I guess. But now I’m in a dilemma. I can’t really stop working. And I am not allowed due to previous circumstances to receive student loans. Can I somehow get a degree without forfeiting my job?

Also for context living in the EU and paying off debts at a rate to be done around the start of next decade.

I have always been a very stubborn person. And that developed into having strong notions about myself that I stick to, even when they are negative. I believe myself to be a bad and self-centered friend.

For context: I have been struggling with depression and an increasing loss in my passion to do things. To the point I’m not even able to hang out with my friends anymore, and always end up bailing or nor preparing for activities.

This has made me feel like a terrible friend for not being able to come through when my friends want me there. And part of me pushed me to keep going down this path. To keep being a worse version of myself. To push my friends away. And I have begun giving into these impulses. It feels oddly cathartic, as it confirms my fears and insecurities. And I want someone else to acknowledge that I feel this way. That part of me wants to make others feel sad and hate me.

Can I somehow break free from this cycle or am I resigned by my own self perception?