Idk where to begin and idk how to love myself
I’m a 20-year-old, and I’m saying this with the comfort of being anonymous, knowing people won’t be able to put a name to this post. But it’s been hitting me more and more every day: I’ve never really loved myself, and I’ve always felt like I don’t deserve it. I don’t fully know what it feels like. I know that may sound like hyperbole, but hear me out.
I grew up as an ugly kid, which didn’t really help my self-esteem. I was the guy who got asked out as a dare or laughed at. I was pretty socially awkward as a kid, though that later improved. I remember in middle school, the popular girls would sometimes treat me like a little child, as if I had special needs. I hated it, but I’m glad I later developed some kind of humor, and that helped me make friends.
I don’t want to make myself completely a victim. I didn’t really put effort into myself, but I don’t know. I just never had the belief that I could ever be attractive, no matter what I did. I’m currently on my fitness journey and went from 200+ lbs, all fat, to 158 and about 19% body fat the last time I checked.
Despite all this, I still see myself as ugly, and I’ve never had a relationship. Lately, I’ve kind of checked myself out of wanting a girlfriend because I want to figure myself out first, which probably works out for the best. I was a huge wuss about those kinds of things. Maybe my low self-esteem is why.
There’s also a theory I’ve been working on lately. Long story short, because I don’t want to put too much out there and I’m already tearing up writing this, my relationship with my father is complicated. He was absent and emotionally distant for most of my life. As a kid, I was constantly berated, sometimes hit, and always compared to him.
The sad part is, I look just like him. I think maybe that’s why I hate my face so much. I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do.
I just want some tips to get me started. I truly don’t know what self-love is, and I’m tired of calling myself stupid for not being able to figure out how to love myself.