i’ve never actually posted on here before but i’ve read so many of these over the last year and honestly i don’t even know where else to say this.
i feel kind of pathetic even typing this out.
i started smoking when i was younger and for a while it really did feel harmless. like it was just weed. it made music better, food better, sleep easier. i really thought it was helping me. i thought it calmed me down and made life less heavy.
somewhere along the way though it completely turned on me.
it went from something fun to something i did before everything. before work, before eating, before going out, before seeing people, even before doing absolutly nothing. i didn’t even really notice how bad it got until one day i sat there and thought… holy shit when was the last time i actually felt okay sober?
that thought messed me up.
i feel so much shame around this because from the outside i probably seem lazy or flaky or whatever, but the truth is i’ve been fighting myself for a long time now.
nobody really knew how bad it got cause i hid it pretty well. or at least i told myself i did. i started ignoring texts, avoiding calls, making excuses constantly. “i’m tired” became my whole personality when really i just wanted to be alone so i could smoke without feeling judged.
i isolated hard.
i stopped showing up for people.
stopped showing up for myself too honestly.
the worst part is i knew weed was making me worse and i still kept doing it. that’s what really screws with your head. like knowing something is making you more numb, more anxious, more insecure, less motivated… and still running back to it every day.
i can’t even count how many times i said i was done.
i’d throw shit out.
buy more.
say “this is the last time.”
smoke the next morning.
it started feeling like maybe i just wasn’t built to quit.
and reaching out? honestly one of the most embarassing parts.
because saying you have a weed problem out loud feels stupid sometimes. people act like weed addiction isn’t real or like you’re being dramatic. so i kept everything in and it made me feel weak as hell.
but this shit has genuinly taken pieces of me.
i’ve lied to people i care about.
avoided family.
wasted relationships.
wasted so much damn time sitting in my own head, high, guilty, overthinking my life while doing absolutely nothing to fix it.
days started blending together so bad it actually scared me. wake up, smoke, feel guilty, smoke again because i felt guilty. over and over.i got so tired of hearing myself say “tomorrow.”
recently i kind of hit a wall. not some dramatic rock bottom moment. just this quiet realization that i was seriously wasting my life and i was running out of excuses.
so i started looking around online. reading peoples posts on here mostly. trying to find something that actually felt real because most advice felt fake as hell.
randomly i came across this skool classroom called the clarity project. i honestly expected it to be bullshit too but what got me was the guy who made it smoked for like 20 years himself and apparently quit 5 different times before it actually stuck.that mattered to me.
like… finally somebody not pretending it was easy.
he talks a lot about healing and addiction and why your brain keeps crawling back even when you hate it. there’s free coaching and a free comunity too which surprised me. i’m usually skeptical of all that stuff but i don’t know… hearing it from somebody who actually lived it hit differant.
i’m still struggling. not gonna pretend i magically figured my life out.
but for the first time in a long time i feel slightly less alone and slightly less broken.
maybe i’m not just lazy.
maybe i’m not just weak.
maybe i’ve actually been stuck. i don’t know. i just know i’m so tired of being numb.
tired of hiding.
tired of watching my life pass while i keep saying “soon.”
so yeah… i guess this is me finally admitting it somewhere.
i have a weed problem.
and i really, really don’t want this to be my life forever.