Hajj - family drama?
Assalamualikum. I don’t really know why I’m typing this, maybe I just need to let it out somewhere people won’t know me personally.
In 2025, I really wanted to perform Hajj. More than anything. My husband and I had the money saved, and honestly one of my biggest motivations was that I wanted to beg Allah for a child and for forgiveness for my sins. So we decided to perform hajj alongside my MIL.
We paid for Hajj through the private scheme and waited. Then the whole issue happened where almost 60k Pakistani private Hajj applications got affected because of the government situation. Right around that same time, I found out I was pregnant.
Our money got stuck, everything became uncertain, and suddenly everyone around me shifted into “next year” mode. My MIL was heartbroken and cried constantly about missing Hajj that year. I genuinely felt bad for her because she’s not an evil woman at all.
Eventually the operator gave us two choices: refund the money or shift the registration to 2026.
That’s when things became difficult for me emotionally while I was pregnant.
My MIL started advising me not to go because by then my baby would only be around 3 months old. My parents also planned to go in 2026. My MIL said she and my husband should go instead. There were comments like, “Only now you guys had to get pregnant.” I know she didn’t mean it maliciously, but it still hurt because she knew how desperately I had wanted this baby.
My husband also became emotional about his mother. He lost his father years ago, and he would say things like, “I can’t lose my mother too,” or “It’s her last wish.” One time he even told me, “When you lose your father, you’ll understand.” All I was asking was to wait another year and go together instead in 2027, instead of 2026 because then I’d have my parents to look after my son. In short I was pregnant, and deciding.
But there was so much guilt, pressure, crying, and emotional tension around me that eventually I gave in. I told my husband to go with his mother.
Everyone praised me afterward. They called it a huge sacrifice and said I’d get reward for letting them go. At the time I convinced myself I was doing the right thing.
But now that Hajj is getting closer and I see them planning, shopping, preparing… I just cry.
I’m not jealous of them, والله. I just feel deeply hurt and honestly a little abandoned. 4 months postpartum stage is also quite difficult. I keep wondering why my husband was okay going without me when I know I would’ve never gone without him or my MIL. Waiting one more year didn’t feel impossible to me.
I also keep questioning myself. Did I make the wrong decision? Should I have just gone and left my baby with my married siblings? But because of my own childhood trauma and sexual abuse, I was terrified to leave my child behind that young. At the same time everyone kept warning me that Hajj with a breastfeeding 3-month-old would be extremely difficult.
So I agreed.
And now I don’t know what I feel. Sadness? Regret? Anger?
The hardest part is that this isn’t the first major life decision where my husband has emotionally folded under pressure regarding his mother (MashAllah she’s healthy, working & has daughters living with her). Keeping in mind he’s not the only son, there’s an elder brother too who’s married, lives in another country with his family, but apparently not as caring.
I feel envious of his wife sometimes, she lives without the in-laws, literally 0 pressure on them for anything, meanwhile my husband and I had to move countries in the past too for the MIL.
I know he’s a good man. He provides for me, loves our child, and genuinely cares for his mother. But whenever I stand on the opposite side of his family emotionally, he becomes distant and guilt-driven because of losing his father.
I think what hurts me most is realizing that maybe my feelings always become secondary when his mother’s emotions are involved.
Still, Alhamdulillah for everything. I have my baby now, and I know Allah’s plans are always better than ours.
But I am literally crying every night of how unfair this is. My husband says he’ll take me next year but we all know hajj is extremely expensive and I wanted to experience our farz hajj together. Partly my MIL feels guilty too for ditching me like this (I was the one who planned and initiated the idea of hajj last year)
Anyways, idk what I’m looking for by posting here…..advice? Comments? Idk.