I’m here to just let it out freely since I’ve had a very heavy day internally. TLDR; my estranged older sister has decided to visit this summer after 4 years of no contact. This is a vent from my perspective.
In May 2022, I had my one and only hospitalization (5150)for manic psychosis. In the process, my mother (who I’d had limited contact with due to childhood abuse) used the opportunity to question me if my older sister was pregnant, right before I was taken into the ward.
I didn’t have it in me to lie to cover my sister- which I have always done- and I told the truth that she’s pregnant. When my sister called me while I was in the ward, the first thing I did was profusely apologize.
She responded with it’s ok, just focus on getting better. And prior to my hold- I had been spiraling manic to her husband about me worrying about if my older sister was ok- and he told me she had healed and moved forward past our traumatic childhood.
Then I was released- they tried to put me on a 5250 but I made a case that I was in no harm to myself or others, and they had left me shoeless, clothes-less (each time i requested clothes/shoes they said they didn’t have time), my dr refused to see me, I was already being held past the 72 hours, and isolation from my loved ones was making my paranoia escalate. So I was finally released- subsequently kicked out of campus and college while terrified that my only way of getting around was by my mother driving me.
Then my brother in law send me a photo of her baby, my sister gave birth while I was in the hospital. My mom asked what I was happy about/looking at, and I showed her.
Then, as I was packing up everything from my dorm, trying to process that I now had to start over and was hitting rock bottom- My brother in law texted me saying that my sister sees this as the ultimate betrayal and may never speak to me again, or at least for many years.
He suggested I apologize and I did, profusely, for two years. I sent good wishes each holiday, remembering Eid and Ramadan (as she’d converted to Islam), and all the birthdays. Then after years of silence, her husband reached out again. I asked what I could do- and he said nothing, that my sister had no intention of reconciling or reconnecting with me again. Silence again.
Then, I was finishing my last year of college after picking up all my pieces. And I’m told by my housemate that the owner of the building is selling so I won’t be able to continue living- I had to move out and find new housing in a week. During this, her husband reaches out again- no hi or how are you- just “your sister is wondering why is your parents are pretending she doesn’t exist”. Which just threw me off- because she’s the one pretending we don’t exist. I’ve tried reaching out numerous times- along with our little brother. Our parents have reached out too- but were afraid that if they continued then she’d file a restraining order. I was so overwhelmed, I explained to him that I feel it’s unfair to ask me to be a middle-man of intel between her and our parents, especially considering A. She hasn’t spoken to me. B. He didn’t have the courtesy to check on me first. C. I was in survival mode. Then silence again.
We were extremely close growing up, we would tell each other that we were one of the biggest reasons we hadn’t given up on life yet. I’ve been trying to move on for years.
The way I see it- I had little to no impulse control for quite some time after being released and had a very hard time recovering- so I was very happy and couldn’t contain my excitement- coupled with her husband saying she’s healed and her saying that she forgives me and that it’s ok that I couldn’t cover for her. That’s why I shared the photo with our mom- the big betrayal that made her leave.I haven’t heard a word from her directly ever since that last phone call.
I’ve tried to put myself in her shoes, give myself and her grace, and try to accept that her decisions aren’t a reflection of my worth or deserving of compassion. But I’m also coming to accept that I just feel misunderstood, stuck, and angry that she chose to leave the way she did- and didn’t even deign to tell me herself- nor even our youngest brother who was also really close and was also cut out.
Fast forward to May 2026, my mom shows me yer recent texts with my brother in law— he confirms that my sister agreed to visit this summer. I told my mom that I don’t want to be around. I’ve been cycling through emotions all day, and then trying to disassociate so that I can continue to operate.
I just feel so abandoned. I was watching the Pitt last month and there’s a plot line where a college student gets tased during a manic psychosis episode and gets put on a hold. His sister came and defended him and looked after him. It stung because my sister did the opposite. Sigh.
Thanks if you read this.
I’m just going to try to keep focusing on my health, sleep tonight, and not letting this negatively impact my day-to-day.