This is gonna be a long winded post so please bear with me.
I was in a year-long relationship with this girl. Things were okay at the beginning, but there were certainly red flags with her that I ignored because of my feelings for her. It was clear she had a lot of mental issues, but I at the time did not think I would be unable to handle it. Overtime, the relationship DID take a major mental toll on me and I found myself constantly feeling emotionally drained being with her and we don’t even live together.
I learned early on that she was the argumentative type and seemingly enjoyed picking fights. Mostly over text, always at night. Sometimes it was valid things, but more often it seemed like she was starting an argument just for the sake of wanting to argue. Picking fights out of thin air. Saying something vague and passive aggressive out of nowhere to try and provoke me, with no other way around it. Picking out a fault or mistake of mine to work with. And no matter what I say or do to try and resolve a situation, all she’d do is continue to belittle me and force me into apologizing endlessly to her for anything and everything. It is like she doesn’t want it to be resolved, but like she just wants to feel some sort of power over me. I can’t and don’t even want to fight back, the only way out is to submit. This would sometimes drag late into the night and I’d just feel so drained I could hardly function the next day. This was a regular occurrence, it almost felt like clockwork.
It came to feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells and not being able to speak my mind out of fear something I say or do would upset her and lead to another endless argument. I came to recognize the shifts in her mood that usually led to this and honestly felt like she was switching between two different people. A few times she even recognized and apologized for this behavior afterwards, but it only continues. Obviously I tolerate it and try to understand where she is/was coming from. If it’s a mental issue, it’s not always in her control. But it didn’t change the fact that it is very difficult on my end.
It got to the point where I desperately felt I just wanted to protect my peace and be on my own. Sometimes I’d just spend a few days by myself, hardly leaving my room and hardly text her back, especially at night time. I’d just say I wasn’t feeling well and I’d fill my time just watching YouTube or playing games or doomscrolling. But that didn’t make me feel at peace either, it just made me feel worse and feel guilty that I was neglecting her. And it did just cause more problems. She’d accuse me of talking to other people or doing things without her because I didn’t care about her. But I do care so much about her, I do love her and I could never, ever cheat on somebody. No amount of reassurance could ever convince her though. But honestly overtime it became hard to even feel romantic with her anymore because of the continuous mental turmoil she put me through and the thought in the back of my mind, thinking “is this ever gonna get better?”.
In the relationship I’ve felt isolated from family and friends and guilted for spending time with them. I spend more time with her than basically anybody else. I’ve never seen my friends less than when I’ve been with her. It seems every time, without fail, when I’m hanging out with somebody she has to text me and make me feel bad I’m not with her instead. Or make it feel like I’m prioritizing others over her when I’m not. It just adds unnecessary stress, for no reason. It seems like the only way she’d ever be satisfied with me, is if I was jobless, had no family or other friends and just constantly worship and validate her at all hours of the day.
And don’t get me wrong okay, while these things are hard, she actually has been incredibly sweet to me and she’s made me some of the kindest gifts I’ve ever received through our relationship. We have lots of fun together on the good days and that’s really part of what keeps me stuck. But I can’t pretend like the other stuff doesn’t regularly hurt me, drain me, stress me or ruin my self esteem. Every time I wanted to work up the courage to leave, I’d just feel fear of how she’d react or feel guilty for “abandoning her” and leaving her on her own to deal with her problems.
But eventually I did finally express how unhealthy and how unhappy I felt and I technically “broke up” with her. I tried to word it as gently as I could and try to explain the benefit for both of us for splitting up. All it did was break both of our hearts.
But even after breaking up, I found myself too weak to fully let go of her and cut ties. So we ended up still hanging out together. And that led to us having sex again. The dynamic just basically turned back into what our relationship was, but this time without the label on it. Fast forward a year since we “broke up”. The issues are still there and haven’t changed. I still keep going back and forth between trying for her and then isolating myself and I know that doesn’t help her at all either and I feel awful. I’m trapped in a vicious cycle, a volatile relationship and it’s my own fault because I’m too scared to walk away for good. It’s clear neither of us were fit for a relationship from the start.
Really I’m asking anybody who has dealt with something like this, how did you finally get out of it when it feels like you’re stuck in so deep and feel too scared to go? Or just any general advice or insight I would very much appreciate.