Being an "Incel" is ruining my mental health
This might be a very lengthy post and I'm not exactly great at writing out my thoughts but please bare with me. Also I'm not sure if this should go in the "dating" category and if it does I'll just repost it on the appropriate day. I'm really not sure how to go about this but I'll try to mention each main point one by one.
First, I've never been in a relationship at 23 and this really bothers me because I fear it'll stay this way and I'll regret not doing anything about it sooner. I feel dating's too hard or impossible for someone like me but seeing everyone around me be able to do it apart from myself kills me inside. This happens like once a month at least, where for one reason or another I spiral into a depressive episode due to my inadequacy in dating, where I genuinely feel miserable and am simply stuck with spiraling thoughts for hours, not wanting to eat or do anything, even things I enjoy and it just keeps wasting my time and feels awful.
I know I have issues but I really don't know what I'm supposed to DO about them exactly. I've heard so much advice from other people but it never helps me for whatever reason, it's always basic things like just do that or just do this or don't worry it'll happen etc. I wish I knew exactly what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to do it, not just see vague advice online that probably doesn't apply to me.
I don't believe I'm an incel because of looks or being ugly or whatever. My family and friends tell me I'm not ugly, even though I thought I was for the longest time. I think I'm average looking, I'm tall and skinny but I work out, so I doubt my physical appearance is necessarily the issue for me. So please don't give me comments like "just hit the gym bro" or other things like that.
I've had women be interested in me on several different occasions but it always ended up going nowhere for one reason or another and I'm convinced something is fundamentally wrong with my personality/mindset that I simply don't know how to fix. Every time I either get ghosted or they're dry and uninterested. Last year I went on a couple of dates with a girl I met through a friend and I really thought it was going great until I got friendzoned after 2 dates with her. I'm not blaming her but I directly asked her if I did something wrong and she said I was a great guy and that she just didn't see me that way. I've also been approached in real life by a girl to ask for my socials but it never went anywhere because I didn't find her attractive. Another girl randomly slid into my instagram dm's and started talking to me and it didn't go anywhere because I didn't like her either, due to her personality. 3 years later she became friends with my sister and reiniated because of that but again, I still wasn't interested.
I'm not trying to sound like a dick but simply whoever happened to be attracted to me I just wasn't attracted to them. There were chances presented for me but I just didn't take them. I know someone like me shouldn't have the luxury of choosing but I believe that even if I did go for that it would end in disaster because I cannot force myself to like someone if I don't like their looks or personality. I know my issue is being too picky, but there's nothing I can change about my tastes.
I might make it sound like women are all over me but it really isn't like that. I've had a handful of women interested in me across my adult life but I managed to fuck it all up for one reason or another. I've never managed to be in an actual relationship. I've tried dating apps but I don't find almost anyone attractive there and if I do they obviously don't like me back.
Recently I tried going out with friends to clubs and bars but I simply do not want to approach random women and ask for their number, let alone keep talking to them. I've always been reserved and introverted where I really don't like talking to strangers unless I have a solid reason to do so. Last year I went to a club with my friends and actually did find the courage to ask a girl for her instagram, one that I actually found very attractive. She ended up giving it to me but of course never accepted my follow request.
I genuinely feel stuck like there's nothing I can do and it's so frustrating because it bothers me so much that everyone can do this simple thing except for me. Even dudes I know are awful people or are unattractive manage to get dates somehow.
I feel like the only option is to go out and talk to strangers but it's the last thing I genuinely want to do. Even if there was someone I would like.
Besides this I feel I'm always too weird when talking to women about myself. My hobbies are video games and anime, which I always try to avoid talking about because I fear I'll be seen as a "loser" or "weirdo" for it. I do mention it briefly but it's a bigger part of me than I'm willing to admit to them. I spend most days studying, working out then gaming or watching something. I feel I'm just not interesting enough. I really don't know what to do about this either.
It's obvious I have low confidence and am somewhat depressed. I know therapy could help me but I simply cannot afford that right now. I feel like I've tried everything, and I know I didn't but there's always something stopping me.
People often say don't go to clubs and parties, instead go to coffee shops or X activity and meet people there but to me that sounds 10 times worse. It seems like the only option is to cold approach strangers sober and it's the last thing I want to do.
I want to mention I have several friends irl, not a lot but not zero. Almost all of them have girlfriends but they're completely disconnected from our friend group. None of them ever hang out with us guys, and they never involve or bring their friends over. So meeting through mutual friends is also basically impossible.
I don't want to sound entitled or pretend like I 'deserve someone' because I don't. I've tried working on myself but I'm at a loss as to how to actually meet someone I'll like because it feels like an impossible task. Even if I do manage to start talking to someone I feel like I'll eventually push them away due to my personality for whatever reason.
I'm sorry for writing such a lengthy post for anyone who actually read this. I know I have a lot of issues but I really don't know where to even start with any of this. I just wish I had a way to actually get over this for good and never think about it again or find a way to actually do something and change for once, but I don't see how.