I've (F29) been with my bf (M35) for 6 years now. It's been full of verbal, mental, emotional, financial and slight physical abuse. He has pushed me backwards into a chair, into a wall, and a couple small things, but nothing too crazy on the physical front. I know the response is probably going to be break up with him, are you insane?
But it's a lot easier to be objective when it's not you - and I've been feeling how wrong it is and wanted to leave off and on for about 3 years now.
I am an extremely non-confrontational person who is on the spectrum - I have severe general and social anxiety, and have told him many times that I shut down when someone gets mean, aggressive, insulting, etc.
I am not a perfect person obviously - I have my own flaws that are frustrating. But not abusive.
When we argue, he argues with me like he hates me, not loves me. Every little thing I do wrong is like WWIII to him.
His problems with me:
Not communicating well enough (despite how toxic his "communication" is), not cleaning up certain things fast enough for his liking (despite the fact that I do the majority of the cleaning AND make more money), repeating myself in conversations, not apologizing fast enough (because he continually harrasses me and doesn't give me the chance to calm down, so every time he brings it up again, I can't apologize because him demanding one just doesn't illicit a sincere apology - I can't work on it if he can't even give me the time to feel sincere about it. It's pretty hard to apologize to someone when they won't
stop harassing you.) So many more things, I just don't have the energy to dredge up the memory of every mole hill he's turned into a mountain (or been a complete hypocrite about)
Every problem I ever bring up to him, he always has an excuse for. Even things that he himself has called me out on for before, he's just a complete hypocrite about it no matter how much work I have done to fix my bad behaviors. Everything is my fault. Nothing I bring up ever matters to him. He seems completely incapable of seeing his own behavior.
To me, when you're angry at your partner, you still love them - you don't mistreat them no matter how angry you are, because you still love each other and don't want to hurt each other. If you can't calm down, you remove yourself.
He however, loses his absolute mind whenever we argue. He says beyond hurtful things that I wouldn't say to my worst enemy, and definitely not to the person I love.
He forces me out of his car and threatens to physically remove me - I tried to get away from him by going into the bedroom and trying to lay down in bed - forced me off the bed yesterday by lifting the mattress and making me roll off of it onto the floor because it's "his bed" - I don't have a bed. His mom bought it for him, so we share it. (His mom is another story - genuinely one of the most heinous, evil people I've ever met in my life. She's called the cops on her son and their friends dozens of times, stolen from him, was a drug addict and passed that addiction onto her sons (bf is 10 years sober), she got him pets and then gave them away when she was mad at him to "get back" at him, she lied and made him afraid of his own father by coming up with BS about him being dangerous, she has attempted to hit me before because I was playing League with my mom and she was insisting that I do the dishes right that moment (she loved to use me around the house and never ask her son to do anything) I could go on and on. She's a pathological liar and a horrible person.
I've been paying the internet and phone bills for 2 years - but his name is on the account, and he laughed about that fact. All the movies I bought for him out of kindness (because he literally asks me and his mom for things like a child), he owns those. Despite the fact that I paid for them all.
I don't have anyone. I am alone, besides him. He reminded me of that yesterday when I was trying to talk to him - "go talk to someone who cares - oh wait, there's no one!"
I've never felt so alone and controlled in my life. I don't know what to do. I don't really have any friends (re: autism and anxiety) and my family is an hour away - I know I should leave, but I don't know how to afford life on my own. Our three pets, I pretty much paid EVERYTHING for. Their spay/neuter, their food, their toys, their treats, their litter, everything. AND I am the one that cleans it all. I don't even know if I would be able to find an apartment that would allow my three pets and be cheap enough for me to afford to get by....
I just don't know what to do. I feel trapped, and unloved. We never have intimacy besides once a year if I'm lucky. He's given a bunch of excuses, but his favorite is that "I haven't worked on any of the issues he has brought up"
Which is BS. I've worked on everything, he has worked on nothing. And weaponizing sex to get your way is gross anyways. He doesn't even take my feelings/issues into consideration in the first place.
I used to go silent in every argument and struggle to form words, now I just return the same behavior that I receive, which only makes things worse, and never works. He keeps me on a leash because I guess I'm a pushover, his actions and words affect me harshly, but he goes into "don't care" mode whenever I bring up legitimately anything.
I feel more bitter, more jaded, no faith in love anymore, no trust. I don't even want to be here anymore. I've been severely depressed since I was 15.
6 years of being used and treated like my feelings and concerns don't matter, while he blasts me for anything and everything under the sun. Everything is always my fault, I'm always just the absolute worst.
I know the right answer here - I need to leave. But I am trapped. I can't afford to leave.
Please leave me comments about your perspective/opinions on these issues, so that I can come back and remind myself to not be weak.
And if anyone has resources that could help me get out, I would really appreciate it. My autism and PTSD makes it extremely difficult to do almost anything, even go to the damn doctor or dentist - so everything I'm facing right now feels like a mile-high hurdle. I've been SA'd 5 times in my life in varying degrees, and don't want to be alone. I'm so afraid of being alone. I know it's not worth it to keep playing his game just so I'm not alone.... but I'm just really struggling and need some kind/supportive words, because I've never felt more alone and not cared about in my life.