Boyfriend lied to me for months, idk how to move forward
to start off :
i want to say there is nothing wrong with smoking a little bit of weed lol.
okay so i got with my boyfriend sept 2024, around a month later he.. in a very weird way… dropped the bomb on me that he smoked weed and has done so for like the past couple of years (for reference we were both 16 at the time.) this came to me as a surprise because… i’d never took part in that ever at that time in my life, so i couldn’t really comprehend how this was something he’d been doing but moving on… he told me his entire family was aware and allowed him to do it so as much as i didn’t really want him to, i felt it wasn’t my place to say otherwise so he continued on until january 2025. we were in school and i smelled it on him after he had came back from the bathroom. i got really upset and was confused as to why he was even doing that during school, or why he even felt the need to? so that night we had a conversation about it and he told me “it’s not a big thing, i can stop if it’s a problem for you” (as he said everytime weed was brought up) and basically we came to an agreement :
- no doing it in school
- chill out on doing it at home
- and if youre with friends, you can do whatever
to me this seemed fine.. and he seemed more than on board with it. he told me if it made me feel better and would better our relationship it was something he was willing to stop. so, fast foward a couple of months. i’d ask him here in there if he’d smoked and he’d always say no and i believed him and trusted him 100%.
in October 2025, (on halloween), he left his phone in the bathroom while i was changing and i decided to look through it. (i’d never done this before) i had 0 ill intentions because i genuinely never thought he would do anything i didn’t like. i saw nothing weird except for when i got to his messages with his “close friend” (whom also goes to our school) i found out that my boyfriend would ask him to hit his cart (during school?))) or ask him where to get stuff. i used to get out an hour before him and that’s when he’d text and do all of this.. when i wasn’t there. so, seeing all these messages i was obviously extremely upset that’d he’d been lying for so long.. especially because we had multiple conversations about him quitting and everything.
i told him what i saw and i broke up with him in person. he was also very upset and cried in front of me. afterward we talked about it once we went home and it was basically a whole bunch of nothing.
he told me things like, “it’s not your business what i’m partaking in because we’re not married and don’t share finances.” and how i was so wrong and invasive to go through his phone and i should feel bad about that. he said nothing but things like this to me for maybe like a couple of days and i cried because it made me feel like I was wrong for all of this, and for even finding out??
a couple months ago i asked him why he acted like that afterward and he told me that he was “too upset, and couldn’t think of anything else to say because this was just how he was thinking at the time.” i knew this was not true because the night we broke up i could just tell these were NOT his words, but i let it go..
now a couple days ago he tells me that it was indeed her (his mother) and i told him that it was extremely dumb for her to say that because i don’t understand how that’s not my business……. but alas.. he continues to defend her. (rightfully so i guess)
he also told me that he was in a way “addicted” to smoking and it felt weird not doing so……. and i was like, “then why tell me it was something so small and something you didnt need to do????” and he essentially explained that he felt too insecure about it and he didn’t want to tell me…
this whole situation is extremely confusing. there’s a lot of missed information i left out but i think this covers the general idea. i love him a lot but this resentment has been HAUNTING me for months. i never feel okay with him anymore and i regret everything we do everytime i allow myself to be vulnerable. we had plans to get back together but i don’t know anymore. i feel very dumb and i hope nobody will judge this. i don’t hate him for smoking, i just wish i could understand why he felt lying was the best thing to do here instead of simply communicating.
all in all… i’m nervous to get back with him because i kinda feel like his mom has something against me too? he’s also told me she’s called me bratty in the past, it’s kinda true, but not her place? i don’t know!!!!! i’m mostly looking for how to get over this resentment.
am i overreacting?? any advice is welcome!!!!!!! please
sorry for how badly written this is but i don’t know where else to go for help. usually everyone around me says to just leave him!!!! but i want to see if anyone else has anything for me to hear.