u/Flaky-Table-4115

I envy the people who sin. I envy them because when they are sinning, the fact alone that they have absolute certainty that what they are doing is a sin and still acknowledge that is honorable in itself. Not because of their actions or because of how deluded and free they are, but because amidst all their acts of disobedience, deep in their hearts they still have at least an ounce of fear and shame knowing where they will go when they die. Despite someone’s past or their current state, they still have full faith while praying in the mosque as their tears drop, believing there is something bigger than them, a God who they love yet disobey, a God who forgives and loves even more all over again. What these people have is certainty, but they lack discipline. They run away from the reality they sleep with at night. I think that is so powerful and it hurts so bad because I feel like I’ve lost all of that. I’m surprised I’ve reached this point in my life because when people describe me they always shy away from me or think I’m some kind of extremist, especially my family, even though I’m truly such an open-minded person. I guess that’s my issue, I’m so open-minded that I want to understand and interpret everything. I always want to know why and make sense of so many things. Of all religions, I do believe Islam is the best of them all. Even through a non-biased lens, it makes the most sense to me, but the one thing that has had me breaking down is wondering if Allah is even real. I’m so scared that at the end of the day we are all whispering in private to something that isn’t even there. I’m scared that maybe my life is just unlucky and not meant to go right “just because,” and not because there’s something better waiting for me, a path or a protection. I’m tired of feeling so alone and running to the one thing I feel I have just for it to possibly not exist in the first place. I just don’t want to feel humiliated and so sad and alone. Mods Please don’t remove my posts i just need advice and support im only 16 and i feel like my biggest crutch allah is gone.

Please when i write this don’t hate on me or send threats im just scared and lost. Right now im in my teen years and instead of going all out and living my life i decided to learn more about islam and get closer to my religion as soon as i was like 13. Because of this i cultivated a strong mindset i listened to many podcasts essentially i matured really early. Ive understood the why the how and the psychology of people and their behaviours I’ve come to understand so many things regarding others and myself. I never spared myself any mistakes never hit a vape never stole never had any serious haram relationship never really talked to guys etc. i run a strict program i cut my best friends off ive distanced from many people and been pushed away. Ive stayed at home declined invitations didn’t do things that potentially had haram didn’t once necessarily lie to my parents about where i was i just have done my life boundless from rebellion. And I just have kept living that way but now im miserable. I don’t have any memories i don’t have any crazy learning experiences i don’t have anything really my life is just sad and boring and the only thing i have thats not boring is a garbage bag of more hardships coming from a million angles i just cry and cry until i can’t anymore then i get up and continue living this sad and boring life all over again. And now where does allah play in this ill tell you. My life hasn’t been great imagine being pinned by a thousand needles all over your body and not being able to breathe then going to your only sense of comfort allah but then you realize the more you run to him the louder the silence then what do i do just have nothing no fun memories no learning experiences or stories and not even allah to cry to? What should i do in this situation how can i continue believing more in allah while suffering so much and feeling so empty. What if i threw out so much of my life for nothing? Is that all there is to my life sadness?