Hi all. My parents (55M & 56F) have been married for 30 years, and for most of my life I thought that they were the epitome of love. Not just new love, but love that’s cultivated from decades of work and partnership. Six months ago, they sat me and my brother down to tell us that my mom had been having an affair for the last year. They told us that they’d no intentions of separating, and suggested that her affair was a natural consequence after decades of neglect. This came as quite the surprise to me, as I’d thought they were so happy.
They agreed that they would not separate, but rather stay together and try to work through this. Whether they choose to separate or not isn’t an issue—everyone should do what feels right for them. I guess where I’m starting to get confused is that in that time they’ve been trying to work on things, she refuses to quit texting her affair partner. She’s blocked him several times over, deleted his number… but she says she’s addicted to the dopamine rush that reaching out to him gives her. She says she HATES him, is vehemently disgusted with herself and yada yada…. But she won’t stop.
Another thing that’s important to note: my mom just recently lost her mom before they revealed the affair to my brother and I. She’s lost both parents now and her sibling, which has sent her spiralling into grief. I’ve offered to take her to support groups, help her find a therapist, etc. but nothing comes of it.
So after six months of trying to work things out, my dad says no more. He can’t be in competition with her boyfriend another day. They’ve agreed to separate, but now my mom is refusing divorce. She told me she won’t sign the papers, that my dad is the love of her life and that they have to stay married.
At this point I’m just lost. My mom doesn’t feel like my mom anymore. She’s so lost in her own head, in her own grief, and she’s hurting everyone around her because of it. She has said several times that come summer, she’s going to regret the separation and realise she’s ruined her own life for a man. Still, she won’t stop. I can’t wrap my head around it.
I guess I just want some new perspectives on this situation. What is happening to my mom? Has anyone done or experienced something similar? Thanks.
TLDR: my mom is refusing to stop contacting her affair partner despite claiming she still wants to work things out with my dad. What the hell is happening?