Hi guys. I am 46ftm and I am just about to re-start testosterone after a 2-year break. When I was on T before, I got *more* dysphoric about my chest as I started growing chest hair on my breasts. I hate my boobs so much sometimes that I fantasise about cutting them off.
I have very, very large H-cup breasts. No matter what I do, I cannot fully hide them. I have used trans tape and several different types of binders. No matter what I do, they are still very THERE and there is absolutely no way I could ever pass until I get top surgery. I don't know when, if ever, I'll be able to afford top surgery.
I live in Australia, and it would probably cost me $10-15K to pay for top surgery. I am also AuDHD and have struggled my whole life to hold down a job. After getting really burned out at my last job a couple years ago, I haven't worked because I basically feel unemployable. So, saving that much money seems impossible to me.
I've decided that this time, I'll just be in stealth mode when taking T until (if ever possible) I can get top surgery. I'll still present femme and mostly introduce myself with my birth name. I'll shave my beard and just lean into being a deep-voiced, masculine "woman". I think this actually makes me less dysphoric. Honestly, I kind of like presenting femme anyway. Even though I want a masculine body, I want to dress femme and wear makeup. It took me a long time to realise that.
Anyway, I'm just feeling really depressed right now because I'm afraid I'll never be happy with my body, never be able to live the life I want and just feel trapped in this cage forever. It also just seems so hard to separate this sense of shame about my body from my sense of hopelessness about my financial situation and my neurodiversity and basic feelings of just being completely useless. So, there's a lot going on. Yes, I am in therapy with a trans-affirming psychologist who is awesome. But working through all this is really hard.
I guess I just want some words of encouragement.