u/Fit_Working4344

I’ve been a HEO for just over 3 months. I was previously an AO so I jumped a grade and HEO is entry level for my area.

I observe the people around me and colleagues and they all seem so much better than me. They look confident in what they’re doing and everything and I’m truly envious. I’m really awkward and get really bad anxiety in social situations but I’ve been putting myself in uncomfortable situations and sometimes chairing some smaller meetings and blah blah blah. They go fine for my standards but when I see others who are so articulate, can have any conversation/discussion right off the cuff unlike me, where I have to prepare for every damn thing.

My line manager hasn’t said anything bad and said the first thing he noticed about me was that I was capable and my senior manager also says things like thank you for your hard work and so on. It just feels like bullshit to me because they do 2x the amount of things I do and do it better. I wish I had the capability to have good conversations and lead meetings. I even struggle with regular conversations with my colleagues. They always turn out so damn awkward.

EDIT: difficult to respond to everyone and thank you for everyone’s assuring words. I was kinda expecting to just get roasted or maybe I’m not cut out for it but it’s nice to know some are in similar situations. It’s not that I am even a perfectionist. I half arse a lot of things but with work, I hate feeling like a nuisance or useless

This is gonna sound very silly but about 2 years ago, I developed a crush on one of my coworkers. She revealed a couple months after I first met her that she has a boyfriend in passing.

We eventually became pretty close and we’d talk to each other all the time. We’d text, sometimes leave voice notes and whatever.

I won’t go into detail but I was kinda blinded by my love for her that I didn’t realise she was just kinda using me for attention. She would only talk to me because it was convenient and it probably made her feel good that someone gives her that much attention. I also just turned a blind eye to all her red flags as a person and the way she would sometimes talk to me. Realistically, she’s immature and has no consideration for someone else’s boundaries.

We got into an argument recently and have kinda stopped talking to each other. I tell myself this is for the best and what I wanted, but no matter how much I try convince myself that I don’t like her, I know it’s bullshit. I still like her and I can’t get over it. She’s still on my mind a lot, even if it ain’t all the positive thoughts I had about her in the past.

And, I KNOW she has a boyfriend and that is why I’ve tried to distant myself and end the friendship even if that seems like a drastic measure. I never crossed any line. I just feel dumb falling in love with someone who is taken