Im just writing just because its a lot. My dog has been my only stable relationship for the last 15 years. The only friend I could always count on. Pretty much my only friend now. My expwBPD was there for the second half of his life.
I had to leave my house a number of times to avoid things escalating out of control. My first instinct was to always grab him. I couldn't bear the thought of being alone without him.
Anyway ways, ive been NC since the last time I left. I had a lawyer write up an eviction notice. Which was hard because they were going through (very treatable) a recent cancer diagnosis. I felt like the worst person in the world. And nobody, outside my sister who ended up being my proxy, understood what I was dealing with.
Its been six months. She left her cat. I told her brother that I love the cat but after my dog passes I might have to go away for a while. Too many ghosts in my house. I had a family and a would be step son that I liked a lot. And it was gone over night. Never had a family and didnt realize how much purpose you get from one.
He says she wants to say goodbye. I unblock her. I tell her she could come and id make myself scarce. But she says thats not necessary and it'll just be about him. That she wants to be friends (despite her literally saying she would destroy me). She comes over the next day.
It goes fine. I prepared to not say or ask anything that might be too engaging. It still felt like every word coming out of my mouth had to be scanned 1000 times before I said it. I tried to keep it to "strangers on a bus" tone.
She did one thing that almost set me off. My dog is pretty much stone deaf now. Once I got very upset a few years ago that he stopped really responding when i said his name. She said "you're over reacting. He's just ignoring you'. He is a willful dog. But I knew something wasnt right. I decided it was best to interact with her on a walk and I was trying to explain how you have to be careful around him now because he gets startled if you touch him without him seeing you first. And I was snapping my fingers to show how he doesnt react and she said the same thing "he's probably just ignoring you".
I know in her head she thinks shes making me feel better but thats gas lighting. And it was constant things like that the whoke relationship. Anything I tried to open up about was an over reaction. But then she would come at me anytime she perceived I wasn't 100% empathizing with her. Nothing I could say could console her.
Anyways, she left with only a few parting vague guilt trip remarks. And that was that. But I could barely make eye contact with her. And I think it was upsetting her. Its just seeing her face now is like seeing an alien wearing the skin mask of somebody you really used to love.
Im still sad that soon ill be alone. But I know she wouldnt be a comfort. At least without it coming back to her. But I still miss having a "home". And I dont know if that will ever happen again at my age. And not much gets me out of bed other than my dog. Ill just have to figure it out i guess. Another dog would be too much.