Paranoia and dread is creeping over me
Firstly, I'd like to say that I'm in a relationship, 20F, 24M. I'm the female lol. This is me laying ground for what I'll say later. The relationship is healthy, peaceful....with normal ups and downs I dare say. I'm a stranger to peaceful relationships. I've been in a very abusive one before and adjusting to this one has been led me into excessive alienation and distress. By alienation I mean that I'm just observing what's going on without being in full.contact with myself...or is that depersonalization? That's besides the point.
I'm present. I share and reciprocate affections. I express my affections. Problem is I don't feel like it's me doing it....I feel like I'm lunged out of my body.
In the toxic relationship...a lot including rape happened. Which lead to court cases and stuff. I've been assaulted multiple times in my childhood and early teens.
After the toxic relationship....I took a year and a half break. Then I met my boyfriend. I do love him sincerely. I shared my traumas and all and he did his best to make me feel comfortable and safe and we never rushed things.
When I said I was ready he would still ask for consent. I got excessive pelvic pains from the last relationship....I was sincerely unaware that they would resurface after a year and a half of no activity. However, they did. He'd stop immediately. It was tough for us at first because I perceived any type of penetration extremely painful and we'd rarely get anywhere. So we worked on it in bits and I eventually relaxed.
The pelvic pains only limit some positions for me. Problem is during this whole time, the only évident trauma was the physical one...the one resulting from pain due to penetration and the pelvic floor stuff......
A key point is that I technically don't have a fluctuating libido... basically it has never been a high or low. To better explain, I'm not readily horny but if I'm triggered I become horny. So there's rarely a day I never get in the mood. I always get in the mood.
But of late....my interest has completely disappeared. I have no desire for sex whatsoever. And sometimes I just think I'm overthinking everything but I can't stand the idea of penetration. I had communicated so and we had stayed off. Issue is I feel I'm confusing him a lot because I do get turned on but I don't want the sex part at all. So when I got turned on, I gave him the cue to proceed. He questioned me severally if I was certain that I was okay with it. I said yes. But five minutes later I ended up crying hysterically. I apologized he said I did nothing wrong. I didn't know why I was crying to be honest. I scared him and we didn't continue. A few days before, we had tried it and I asked to not continue two minutes in and ended up silent for a long time.
While I was debriefing him about the traumas and all, I was afraid that we'd have to go through me breaking down half way and having full blown panick attacks and stuff. But it didn't happen at the start. Now that it's happening now...I feel entirely miserable and I desperately want to disappear.
Possible pity partying but I don't want to have to deal with seeing someone else deal with the wounds another person inflicted. I still haven't shared the reason that made me cry. I'm not even sure where to start. I'm equally traumatized by my behavior. I love him and everything. I get horny but not enough to want penetration....does that make sense? I feel extremely horrible. I just wanted to share my story..*sighs