I'm depressed and heartbroken for my family
I'm depressed and heartbroken for my family. I would give anything to be good and normal for them. I struggle to reach out, so I go weeks without speaking to any of them outside of small talk here and there. I genuinely don't have anything fun or exciting to talk about. No big news or exciting events. No normal life milestones to celebrate. I feel boring to talk to and to be around because I have no spark. It's not simply having nothing to talk about, it's that I have little to no joy and cannot create joy enough to even talk about anything. I'm not cruel or difficult -- I just don't have anything to say. I'm depressed. They know I'm depressed and are incredibly kind, gracious, and supportive. I feel bad they're stuck with me. It's not fair to them. I stay to myself because it's better for everyone. Who would possibly want to be around someone who doesn't have energy or nothing to contribute in conversation? I feel guilty for every effort being one sided on their part. And when we're together, I don't have the same life and spark inside me that others do with the people who love them. I feel I've cheated my parents and sister out of having a better life because I'm this way. My family doesn't deserve this. I genuinely cannot help it. I've tried everything. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of feeling the guilt of who I am. It's really sad. I feel existential dread that they're getting older and I won't have the happy memories, and will definitely spiral with even more guilt of lost time. It's a lose-lose-lose all around and it's my own fault. I really just want this to end. Alive or dead, I just wish these feelings would end.