I was diagnosed very recently (it’s been a few days now) and I thought I would be really happy about it but I feel strangely conflicted and pensive. I think that I’m mourning the amount of time I spent without the information? It makes me wonder if I would’ve been treated differently or if I would’ve been given more grace in a multitude of instances.
I’m scared that I gaslit the psychiatrist and I’m not actually autistic but I have a lot of traits that indicate that I am. I’m scared that I’m accidentally ‘acting more autistic’ now that I have a diagnosis but I don’t know if that’s just me feeling comfortable enough to unmask or if I’m subconsciously acting more like what I think I should be acting like and consequently trying to conform to a different standard. I find with the friends that I’ve told it’s been kind of awkward? I doubt I will ever let my parents know due to just how invalidating I anticipate that experience being. I’m unsure if I’m meant to simply keep the fact that I’m diagnosed now to myself or if it’s beneficial to share it with people I trust. Peoples’ reactions seem to be odd and I don’t know if it’s because they didn’t foresee me having ASD or receiving a diagnosis. I can’t tell if my diagnosis is freedom or a cage that I’m accidentally building myself.
Long story short I’m feeling a lot at the moment which is interesting because I didn’t anticipate it.