TW: selfharm, suicide attempts, brief mention of SA
had an almost 2 year long emotionally abusive relationship with this guy. ive long since snapped out of it, but the shit he did to me still haunts me. i don’t like to talk about it to any of the people i actually know, so that’s why i’m here ;;; i feel like they’ll brush me off as some sort of heartbroken girl who can’t move on. please don’t say anything like “that was stupid of you,” i know :,)
so before even being romantically involved with him, i already knew he was mentally unwell. i was too, which was why i went through with it anyway. i helped him out a lot, despite having my own problems, the details have lost me now but i remember when we went through our first break up (i initiated it) and his friends would send me his diary entries, and then i’d later be informed that he stabbed his thigh because of the fact i broke up with him. along with the self harming tendencies, he is, as you may have already guessed; suicidal.
stupid, emotional me took him back. it was the worst decision i’ve ever made. isolated me from my friends, made me think he was better than all of them, OUTRIGHT TOLD ME TO DEPEND ON HIM ONLY. i knew how wrong it was. i knew how bad it was becoming, and i did tell him. i tried talking it out! what would i get? a sorry, a guilt tripping response, and the same thing happening again.
when i expressed something he did that i wasn’t happy about, after a few hours, he’d later tell me how he tried to attempt to take his life. pills, choking, and i’d blame myself for his wrongdoings instead JESUS CHRIST why am i just now processing all of this?? i would have genuine anxiety attacks because of what he’d do.
i got tired, obviously. i remember telling him that i cant break it off with him even though i wanted to (i remember my reason being because he would hurt himself), and FORTUNATELY he did break it off.
but oh my god fuck, i could ignore all of that. i just cant get over how he coerced me (which i would get into, but i don’t think this is the subreddit for it)
this is a teeny tiny bit recent. it ended last year july. when he said he didn’t love me anymore, i didn’t wait to cut him off completely!!
though i still have short flashes during my days currently where i’d remember what he did to me and i can’t make this up, i’ve been bouncing myself back by just chanting that i hate him. the funniest part of all of this is that he’s still somehow hung up on me. and without my consent im being informed that he still “loves” me.