u/Fit-Tax-1635

I lost the only person i’ve ever loved after a 3 year long relationship. i’m 22 and he was 26 and we had dated for a little while. He was very patient with me kind, gentle, understanding. Things weren’t perfect, but we really loved eachother.
To make a long story short, we broke up and I made it super messy because of my own emotional immaturity. I would keep him from sleeping, I would stop him from leaving, and chase him around. It was abusive and toxic and horrible.
I dont know what the hell is wrong with me in my head, but I hurt him. Even though I can never get him back and i don’t want to be this person forever and I don’t want to lose anyone else.
I want to be a good person who reciprocates the generosity and kindness people around me give.
How can i take the steps from an abusive/toxic individual to a good person?
Any help and advice is welcomed.

I am currently going through the realization that I am a genuinely bad person. Deep down to my core I make all the wrong decisions and have a hard time accepting the consequences. I act selfishly, I am inconsiderate of others feelings, and repeatedly hurt those around me.
Even if I don’t do my actions with any kind of malicious intent I can be so careless.
I have lost people in my life that I genuinely care for and love, but due to the consequences of my own actions they want nothing to do with me. I don’t want to hurt or lose anyone else.
I don’t want to be a bad person. I want to lead with kindness, be gentile, considerate, and make sure the people in my life feel like they are loved and cared for.
My guilt doesn’t absolve me from all the pain i’ve inflicted on people. I also don’t think being self aware about the fact that i’m an awful person and wanting to change doesn’t make me a bad person.
If anyone has any idea, advice, and words of encouragement/wisdom on how to improve, please i’m begging for help.
Thanks for listening…