My husbands family keeps blaming me for “changing him” after years of disrespect and boundary issues
I’m honestly at my breaking point and need an outside perspective because this has been weighing on me heavily.
My husband and I have been dealing with issues with his family for the past year mainly involving disrespect, gossip, weird behavior, and a lot of boundary crossing. This latest incident feels like the final straw, but there’s a lot of context behind it.
One of his sisters is currently going through a divorce and a lot of the family tension started when she asked my husband for financial help. He told her he was open to helping but wanted to understand the full picture first- things like her income, expenses, spending habits, etc. He didn’t feel comfortable just blindly throwing money at the situation especially because she has a long history of being financially irresponsible and making very poor life decisions (such as marrying a stripper in the first place).
That became a huge issue in the family. Instead of understanding where he was coming from they acted like he was being selfish or difficult because in their words “ we have no kids and no real responsibilities,” and therefore should just help without asking questions. For context, my husband and I are probably the most financially stable out of the family and I genuinely think there’s some resentment around that.
Since then my husband and I have repeatedly tried to take the high road and repair things with both his sisters and his parents but it feels like every time we try to move forward another issue comes up.
One example: I had a birthday dinner with my friends and invited both of my sisters-in-law. My husband and I made it clear ahead of time that we were covering dinner and a welcome champagne but that any additional drinks would be split at the end.
A few days later, I texted my other SILs and thanked her for coming and mentioned that drinks came out to about $150 per person. She texted back saying she only had two drinks and that didn’t seem fair. I responded very calmly and said I wasn’t aware of that and honestly my friends probably drank most of it anyway so not to worry about it.
Instead of just leaving it there, she called my MIL to complain about us and then my MIL called us yelling. After that, my husband and I decided to take some space from his sisters because it all felt very immature and toxic but we still wanted to try to maintain a relationship with his parents.
Unfortunately, things have only gotten worse.
A few days ago, I posted some normal birthday related Instagram stories for my best friend. Nothing inappropriate or extreme just typical girls night / birthday photos. My MIL doesn’t even have Instagram so I’m almost certain my SIL screenshotted my stories and sent them to her.
My MIL then sent those screenshots to my husband and started making judgmental and disrespectful comments about me implying my posts were inappropriate and saying things that felt very shaming and insulting. She also brought up unrelated family drama in the same message.
We didn’t respond because we didn’t want to react emotionally.
Then after not hearing back she started texting my husband again asking what was going on saying she doesn’t like how he’s acting with the family, asking him to come over and talk, and saying things like “this isn’t your personality.” To me, that feels like she’s blaming me and implying that I somehow “changed” him (which she has also said before many times)
That part honestly hurts the most because I have truly tried to be there for his family and have always tried to have a good relationship with them. I’ve shown up, been supportive, and made an effort. So to now be painted as the reason he’s “different” feels incredibly unfair and upsetting. Especially because the only reason he is “different” is directly a consequences of their actions.
My husband actually went to speak to his uncle who was shocked by everything that’s been happening and by the family’s behavior. His uncle basically told us that we should take some space, go no contact for a little while, and then later decide whether we want to rebuild any kind of relationship with his parents (if at all) but with real boundaries. He also said that the sisters don’t necessarily need to remain part of our lives if they continue behaving this way.
At this point, I’m just exhausted by the constant disrespect, gossip, and drama and don’t know what the healthiest next step is. I also can’t ignore the fact that comments have been made multiple times over the past year about our lifestyle, travel, financial situation, and the fact that we don’t have kids yet. It honestly feels like there is resentment and jealousy underneath a lot of this.
We feel stuck and would really appreciate an outside perspective.
TLDR: Tired of gossip and disrespect and bad behavior and my husband and I being taken advantage of by my husbands family. Wanted an outsiders perspective on the situation.