u/Fit-Cardiologist4721

Hi~!

I need some unbiased introspection (ಥ﹏ಥ)

Me from ohio(33 f) boyfriend from chicago(32 m)

TLDR;

most dream come true selfless partner is also compulsively lying due to trauma patterns . I know I'm asking for a Rocky road when loving someone like this, and I've accepted that. However, when is enough toxicity? Personal opinions would be awesome 💔 or professional guidance

We have an incredible relationship but same reoccurring issue.

I met him online . It was something special. But he has severe trauma. I know I dig my own grave here, but the connection was strong. He did weird things like drinking and wanting to kill himself, at least talking about it. Was bad behaviors but he's not bad. He also had a female friend that he kept kinda hidden. I found out by stalking his socials and he got upset that I did that. (I wanted to make sure before I met someone online that he wasn't psycho)

ANYWAY, hes very sweet and deep when he isnt triggered. So the relationship flourished. He cut her off BC he didn't want to talk about it. I said if shes your friend you don't have too. I just thought we could introduce. He swore he didn't care to be her friend. Okay.. Again relationship flourished. Nothing bad. Only good. Feelings deep. He moves in with me.

Scary AF. Honestly dumb. I have two kiddos. But I am over protective and untilmatley my goal is a marriage and step father situation for them. They love him, I always check in to make sure they are safe. I beleve they are.

Anyway, I find out he had called that lady. He had been reaching out to her. He told me they actually did have a situationship but she was married.

(Dummy lady.... Shes so mean!! So gross. She posts nasty hateful posts about women sucking on her fb yet she is that women she posts about)

I found out only bc my gut feeling told me to press into it. Look through his phone. And it's so weird his phone glitched to have her contact name to pop up for a split second after he deleted her contact. Like the universe was on my side.

He ended up telling me that they would meet up, they held hands, kissed, but never smenged.

I eventually ended up having to accept that. But he would only tell me more after I would dig for more. I told him I'll accept it if we call her and end it now. We do, she tells me she hasnt talked to him at all in over a year. They hung out one or twice and most they did was hug. He was sitting there. I asked if its true. He said yeah.

I cried harder then I have in a decade.

So we hang up, I'm so confused like he would make up that they had something more.

Fast forward a couple more months. I dig. I find out SHE was lying. He doesn't know why he didn't expose her.

I cry harder again.

A couple months later, I end up finding that he downloaded and deleted snap one day. WHY??

He calimee he wanted to delete socials. Again I said, it's okay if you dont want too. I just need transparency. He said no no I want to do this.

The snap thing was only a couple days . He claimed he wanted to close the door to family snap and get their contacts and see what's up. Which he did need to do that. But why in secret? (Obviously probs something else :(

I cry harder.

Things clear up. I do believe he's genuinely sorry. I do believe his background plays a big part in his behavior. He grew up in neglect and abuse and being weaponized by his divorced parents and they would get tired of him and send him from Chicago to Atlanta every year. He couldn't even get a consist school year. I think his mom was on drugs. Hes not sure.They were homeless at times. She sent him to his dad initially bc he hung around gangs. He was a small child and she blamed him for being bad. His brothers dad is in prison for drugs. This is the extent of it. Its a lot to unpack and its psychologically unraveling for him to recall those memories.

He tried to have them come visits, he was proud of his family he built. He was proud he was thriving.

He got a job that is a career within 2 min walking from my house. And the people there say its so difficult to get that position its never available. Hes beyond lucky. It was again, a divine sort of thing. It felt like we deff were supposed to meet and get through this shit together.

But its almost relapsing.

He told me he wants me to stay home and support me. I wasn't doing well mentally. I think bc the state of world, kids going thru puberty, processing the lies he did to me while holding space to understand how he could do that. But what would happen, is I would overwhelm him . Bc we never fully closed the door on those topics of betrayal. And although I would not think about it most the time, the reality is it needed to be talked about eventually to move on.

I was suffering burn out. I worked as soon as I was old enough at 13. two jobs starting in high school. Single mom right out of it. He wanted me to rest he said he was proud I've work so hard and hes lucky to have someone like me.

Except when I try to close the door on my suppressed emotion. I swallowed it for him. Temporarily. But 3 years in. I feel it's fair to talk about anything. But his shame overwhelms his ability. And triggers my abandonment and I react horribly. I am trying to find inner strength to ignore it.

It's a constant push pull of amazingness and break down. I ask him "whats going on? " bc he will become passive aggressive. And he tells me hes fine but that makes him mad now bc I asked. Thats so hurtful and I'm terrified bc my kids dad would say that to me. It's triggering some kind of deep pain so I can't stop talking trying to explain why it's fair and how I'm feeling and it's not personal. He can't handle it.

But, he is working on it. Initially, he went to therapy when i first found the lie. I didnt ask. He went on his own. For maybe two meetings. The life got in the way. Then, he has practiced being present in the moments of uncertainty, breathing slowly through his trigger rather then anger and leaving. Hes working on it absolutely I can tell.

But the last two months it's been a regression. Hes tired from work. Hes tired from kids back talking for chores. Hes tired of me not doing much (even though he tells me to please take this time to ground yourself again).

Then, he exploded bc I asked what was wrong. J was panicking and ended up driving to a mutual

Bc I couldn't believe what was happening. And I was responding emotionally. She listened to me and him in the car. Well , only me. He started silent for 2 hours. He silent treated me .

Then I went to girl scouts with my daughter, and then we were with my friend while he took time to himself. I come home and his sleeping. He drank like 8 beers we had in the fridge from a get together previously, and he doesn't drink.

(I forgot he used to drink bad. I had a period of that too but not really during out relationship. He made the decision to quit for us, and he did!! Honestly so proud )

I grabbed his phone to look through it bc of the strange behavior earlier. He has givn me permission due to the broken trust. Well, this time he got up and was acting like gangster saying give me my shit pretty much. He threatened to wake my kids up by punching the cabinet. Well, he didn't punch the cabinet. But he did wake them up from yelling. He was so drink honestly I should have left with th kids. But I remained calm and tried to remind him we are not against him and we love him. They were telling him they finally were seeing him as a step dad bc he was saying he was done. They were in shock and couldn't believe it. Their dad came to get them. He was really sweet (hes grown a lot)and told them we are all human.

The remainder of the night. It wasn't agression . More of his sadness and confusion. He locked pur bedroom doorr and cocked his gun. I heard it. I had him open the door. It took him a minute. He said he didnt touch it. Turns out, the next morning he calmly and honestly told me he did . He used to do that over the phone and it felt like for attention but that is so dangerous OBVIOUSLY.

That next morning I told him, the guns gotta go . He looked shocked cause he loved it and it's been with him. Hes super into cyberpunk and video games so it was like a comfort thing than made him feel powerful to have that. It was locked up, unloaded, but th fact he grabbee it in that state. He didn't argue. He knew. He understood. And we took it to a pawnshop. He said he felt a weight gone. Something negative. We talked more. He didn't combat any thing I said. He listened shamefully.

The kids got home from school and also genuinely did the best to apologize. He knows it won't fix it but he needs then to know what he did is wrong.

The day went great. Until that night. He went to go to bed. But then came back out to talk to me about it all. He told me with tears that he would do anything to fix this. And I (probably stupid) told him I am worried bc he has said this before. The words are losing weight. And last night was so wild I'm spiraling into why. And if he was cheating on me again. He gets angry but listens. He is still somewhat defensive which I'm just having a hard time accepting that . I need that defensiveness gone to believe it fully.

Do I beleive it's from shame? Yes.

Do I beleive hes cheating? Mostly no

But I can't stabilize and get that trusting feeling back untill he can just reassure me and not get deffensive.

It keeps escalating. Sadly. I thought we were ready to talk about it all and close it. But it jait triggered him again. And when hes lost in that void, theres no return. But I keep talking like he will finally see me. But, really, I think it's impossible at this moment.

So it sucked. I have not been able to sleep. He called off work.

Despite all of this, this man haw done more then any man I've ever met. He stepped in to raise two kids that weren't his. He takes time to reflect and grow and change. He broke down crying bc he is not sure why hes doing this.

Oh, it ended horrible bc I found out he watches porn about 2 weeks ago. It makes me feel yucky beyond words considering he can't get it up sometimes. He promised he wouldn't again. Well last night I saw how often he uses duck duck go. And wy. He said for porn. And I was so fucking speechless bc we did end the convo positively but I said you need to tell me every thing right now. I'm not mad about it just I need to now. If it comes out after this I will be uspst. And holy shit it did. Maybe it wouldn't bother me as much if we don't have all that baggage.

ANYWAYYY I losty fucking marbles last night (:

I'm at a loss.

Ill still defend him for his selflessness despite it all. Ive never met anyone like him. He is a dream come true. Until he must confront his demons. He takes it out on me. And I hate that it's somthibg so small doing this much damage.

I do beleive it's deep trauma. But what would y'all do?!?!? In about to go insane. In already there tbh. But I know hes putting work in. We are doing couples / family therapy soon!!

Hotel help please!

Traumas surfacing as toxicity !!

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