Constant MIL Drama
So maybe she’s not my technical MIL. We aren’t married. We have been together for a few years. We live together, pay bills together. Plan to get married. End of the day this is my person and my partner and we treat each other as such.
We have had consistent issues surrounding plans with MIL. If any time has to be split between families it turns into this explosive mess. It’s been really really hard on our relationship and on my mental health. I come from a blended family so I am already navigating two families just on my side.
I’ve also noticed some weird comments. For example, last year Mother’s Day she said to me “I only have two kids. Your mom has 5. So my time with my kids is more valuable” like…..ok…..so anyways
Last year we decided we wanted to share holidays together. It is important to both of us that we get to know the families. For Christmas Eve We had plans to go to my grandma’s for brunch, their side for dinner, and late party for my grandpa’s side. We had to cut time short for his side and MIL was not having it. But we felt that it was fair because Thanksgiving we were there for her family’s side from 3pm to almost 1am.
When she found out last year she lost it. On the phone she was screaming at my partner about how it was bullshit and when we showed up she was holding on to my partner and exclaimed “I don’t like to share”. Like no shit. I can see that.
That smoothed over and then comes this past holiday season. She asked me 4 days before Thanksgiving to bring over herbs for her turkey and stuffing from my garden. We go over to their place and she asked us what Thanksgiving/Christmas Eve plans were. I told her same as last year. She got worked up started telling me that my grandparents need to get over their divorce and start having one holiday. I said that it isn’t my choice on when they plan their gatherings and that’s not how it worked. She looked at me dead in the eyes and told us to get out of her house and that we needed to leave. Partner and their dad said absolutely nothing.
We get in the car and I tell them that was ridiculous and disrespectful to me and my family. And I said I understand you cannot control her words or reactions but you control your response.
Fast forward to Christmas Eve. We had to cancel on everyone because I had gotten extremely sick. Lost 6lbs from lack of appetite. Fever for days. Could not get out of bed. It was risky to see her family and my extended because of a lot of immune compromised people and I didn’t want to spread it.
We were going to host my mom’s side on Christmas. I communicated how sick I was but she said she would rather open the windows and she can cook. Mind you this was the first Christmas her side has gotten together since 2016. It just being my brothers and cousins everyone was fine with it.
Now fast forward to a couple weeks later. We had plans to go to eat with MIL/FIL. She says “can you guys do 7 or do you want earlier?”
We had plans to go to a birthday party for my friend at a bar so we asked if they can do 5/5:30. She blows up says if she thought she was gonna have to sit inside and watch tv all night she would have made plans. At no point was it discussed that it was anything but dinner so partner and I are just like confused and wtf. She ends up cancelling dinner and staying home.
Here comes Mother’s Day the biggest blow up we have had to date. My mom said she wants to coordinate plans with my brothers and SIL to do margs with mom. Cute idea. I loved it. I had mentioned if she would be ok if we invite my partners mom too. She of course loved the idea as they haven’t met. We had decided that evening worked best for my family.
So I ask my partner if this works for him to help with getting the house in order/cooking/hosting and to coordinate with their mom and ask if she wants to come over for dinner and if that doesn’t work we can do brunch. We started getting excited about potentially doing pesto chicken sandwiches bc she loves loves loves pesto and we can get her a game bc she loves games. I was genuinely excited to celebrate with them.
Shocker. She is pissed.
Starts yelling at my partner saying things like “are they really that important?” “So you’re just not seeing me on Mother’s Day?” “You forget everything important.” Apparently she had made plans for us in the evening with no communication. Hangs up on them.
Two days later we have partners bday brunch and guess who won’t make eye contact with me….
Two days after that he gets a text “apps at 4:30, dinner at 6”
Partner comes home from work the next day distraught. Tells me they talked to her on the phone and she was just nasty and not getting it. Yelling at them again on the phone even worse than before and doing all this guilt tripping nonsense trying to undermine our relationship and trying to force us to change our plans all while exclaiming “you know I don’t change my plans for anyone” which by the way we never asked for….
On their actual birthday they texted her to try to smooth things over and talk and she replied with “I don’t have anything to say to you” which really hurt their feelings because at the end of the day we both tried to be inclusive and make time. We even talked about doing it the day before but it was not enough. My partner said she has caused irreparable damage and they are feeling really crushed over this whole thing.
The day before Mother’s Day they went over there to talk and my partner came home frustrated because it was just the same thing. They did not get anywhere. Partner told her she has hurt both of us and owes an apology for how she has acted. Because she has disrespected me, my family and my partner as well. The only thing she has said is “why do I have to be the one to bend” which is quite delusional bc no one told her to change plans. And she has no flexibility at the end of the day.
She has not acknowledged at all that all of this has been unreasonable or disrespectful or hurtful. She has not apologized or anything. I haven’t talked to her since the birthday brunch. This has been hell. I don’t even know where to go from here.