Am I crazy, or he still loves me?
I need help, or some advice. I’m 35 and in love with someone, but I don't want to be. This started three years ago. At the time, I was in an abusive relationship that had lasted ten years. He was a heavy drinker who thought he was better than everyone else. I tried to leave many times but failed. To avoid risky situations, I stopped going to parties because I didn't want to be around him when he was drunk.
One day, I finally went to a karaoke party because I liked the host. There, I met a man (now 30). He caught my attention immediately and sat beside me. He noticed I had a boyfriend, so he kept his distance. When I left, I gave him my number and mentioned I was in an 'open relationship'—which was technically true, though that setup was part of the problem.
We went out the following week and spent the night talking, crying, and laughing. He gave me the courage to finally end my 10-year relationship. However, I was going through hell afterward, and he was seeing other women, so it never became serious. We eventually stopped talking, and he started seeing someone else.
A year later, he reached out. I was hesitant because I felt he was just playing with me, but I accepted a date. As fate would have it, I interviewed for a job at his company. We started a casual relationship, but I fell in love. He constantly reminded me it was 'just casual' and told me not to fall for him. One day, he said he couldn't hang out because he was meeting a 'friend.' My anxiety spiked; my ex was stalking me and threatening self-harm, and I felt this guy was actually dating this other girl. A coworker saw me crying, took me for coffee, and listed my good qualities. He kissed me, and I reciprocated.
This guy saw us. Suddenly, he claimed he had wanted a relationship and was planning to tell me that week. He accused me of cheating. We decided to try dating properly, but he rarely saw me outside of work and barely communicated. He broke up with me after three months, claiming he stopped loving me the moment he saw me kiss the other man.
Eight months later, he reached out again. We are now 'friends' and talk about everything and we never have sex. He talks to me daily, which he never did before. However, he constantly 'jokes' that I cheated on him and that he was my 'one true love.' I still love him, and I think he might love me too, but he insists we are just friends. I don't want to lose him, but I want to be able to be just his friend without this pain.