I hit my mom
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My mom (50F) has been emotionally and physically abusive since I(21F) was born. My childhood has been excruciating years of mental torture and physical abuse. The most embarrassing part of all of this was that everyone knew, my neighbors, my grandparents, family friends, etc. Everytime I made a mistake (hiding bad grades, not studying well enough, wanting to play with friends) I would get beaten up ( hair pulled, dragged by the hair, throwing things, head banged into the wall, slaps/kicks) and humiliated in front of everyone. She would be so loud, the entire neighborhood knew what exactly I did wrong and forced to "confess" my sins to grandparents and if cried while doing so, I would get beaten up even more. One instance I particularly remember was when I got screamed at and beaten for an irrelevant topic and my friends apologised to me the next day because they thought they caused the fight by inviting me to play
I was told by my parents that people without kids were very lucky and they wished they never had me, mind you I was actually a very well behaved kid without any wants or demands. I dealt with suicidal thoughts/self harm for years especially during the covid era. After covid, I moved to another city for college where I eventually found a job. Life was a happy bliss, a few friends, a loving boyfriend and a cozy apartment all for myself. Unfortunately, due the horrible situation of a job market I was let go and was unable to find another job. I had to let it all go and move back home.
I currently am working with a relative who works in my industry and with whom my parents have been consistently forcing me to work with so that I can live with them at home. It is definitely not an ideal situation but I can definitely earn and have something of my own very soon. Cut to today, my dad was annoying me with a lot of questions about work (he has a habit of poking around) and I replied to him slightly annoyed. Somehow a harmless interaction led to my mom full blown screaming at me about disrespecting my dad to which I argued back. Anyways, many insults where thrown at me including the part I'm good for nothing unemployed human and someone who only moved back home because I had no other choice. This one stung a little because I had turned down an offer because I wanted to not only give working with my relative a try but also wanting to live close to my parents, grandparents and some old friends. After that, I lost my senses broke some things leading to my mom hitting me, me hitting her back and calling her a bitch.
I'm in room currently wondering what do I do next. What is my redemption? I am becoming everything my mom once was. I could move back with my boyfriend and take a mediocre job or stick it out for the next 1 year and see where this current job takes me. I am extremely ashamed of my outburst and nothing justifies my actions. I know that I hit her only because I finally could and not because I was defending myself. I'm sorry
Thank you for reading .
Edit: Many people are telling me to move out. Yes that is a possibility but my current employment might give me long term stability money wise. Not sure what to choose.