u/Finding_Me_Mo

My husband used to physically and mentally abuse me, but he hasn't put hands on me in years and he stopped verbally or emotionally abusing ne up until the last few weeks. We have a son, he is a year and a half old. My neighbor just stopped me outside to tell me my husband has been screaming at our baby, like prolonged yelling or verbally abusing him, when I'm not home.

I don't know what to do. My therapist told me to go to the local DV shelter with my son tonight. I want to. But I don't at the same time. I don't want to take our son from his dad, it will hurt both of them so much. But atp, I think he will end up physically harming my son, if he hasn't already then eventually he will. And I promised my baby I will protect him. I feel so lost. I don't know what to do. I need strength to leave. I need someone to tell me it's the right thing to do. I don't want to blindside my husband. I don't know. I'm so fucking confused.

I'm packing our bags right now, but it feels wrong g to leave if he hasn't hit me for years and I don't think he's ever hit my son. But I don't know for sure if he has or not so that scares me, I don't want to just wait and see if he *will* hurt my baby before I leave. I want to leave before he does so I can prevent it from ever happening. Please someone tell me if I'm doing the right thing. I'm so scared and sad and confused.

Idk what to really say. My husband used to hit me, berate me, make me question my sanity, etc. I never felt so afraid, alone, or confused and so so so much agonizing pain before him. He fucked me up tbh. We're married and have a child, he hasn't hurt me overtly simce before I was pregnant. But I cannot heal while with him, and I cannot leave yet because of a lot of logistic reasons surrounding our child. I do plan to leave when possible and I have a whole team of professionals helping me navigate this. He still hurts me, just not physically now. I stopped giving him any "reason" to physically hurt me, since he only ever did if I showed an emotion that wasn't happy.

I just want to feel safe to be myself, and to feel like I love someone (romantically, I of course love my son more than anything in the universe). I have a neighbor at my apartment complex, in the same building as me, who I have thought for 5 years now is the most beautiful man I've ever seen. I mean holy shit is he lovely. Since we live so close, I know a few things about him, but we've never spoken but once. I know we like the same music, and music is the most important thing in my life outside of my son. I know we're both just about the only two grown ass adults in my tiny town who are emo, lol. I know he likes the same video games as me. I know he works in the same field as me (btw, I just got a new job today, after him not allowing me to work since I was pregnant, so that is a big step I'm happy about). Just basic things really.

But I also know we do have a way too obvious attraction to each other, even my other neighbor and husband both pointed it out before. We don't talk but we both just stare at each other like some weirdos and look away when the other does lol. But my other neighbor told me he had a crush on me. And my husband told me "I know he's your type, but he's super weird so don't try being his friend." Not that it's really important in reality, because in reality, I gave my life up and abandoned myself for a man who hates me.

But oh my god, I want to know him so badly. I want to feel safe with a man. I want to feel loved. I want to be held, and kissed, and appreciated, and spoken kindly to, and valued, and to feel that soooo distant memory of just fucking someone you actually are loved by and who you love back. To explore who I am with someone who appreciates all of me. To not feel like a ghost in my own life and head anymore.

Idk. I'm sitting on my porch, waiting for him to get off work. My husband isn't home. I'm going to ask him to add my socials. I'm probably not going to cheat. I'm too scared to. But I do want to know him. I keep dreaming about him, not just wet dreams (although those are very common and prominent :'/) but passionate love and snuggles and safety that just feel so good. I won't tell him any of this. I'm just going to try to be his friend. Hopefully my baby takes a long enough nap for me to not miss him before he goes up to his apartment.

If I do cheat eventually, I'm not sorry. I don't owe loyalty to someone who showed me the depths of despair and worthlessness inside myself. I don't owe my husband anything. He has all but killed me and I don't owe him a fucking thing. But if I do make friends with my neighbor, I'll let you all know. And if my dreams come true, and I get a divorce safely, or we have an affair, or my husband dies from an undiscovered illness etc etc (I've thought about every escape possible lol) then I'll update about that too.

I just want to feel safe and loved so badly. I don't care if it hurts my husband at this point. He's brought me to my knees, literally, pleading to be loved and he laughed in my face. I don't care anymore. I need to feel something that isn't exhausting and torturous.

I've known my husband was abusive towards me for the past 5 years now. But I made myself so small, so quiet, so agreeable that it was like playing house. Everything was fine for the last 3-4 years, because I never gave him a reason to be upset and I didn't let him in emotionally anymore (me expressing my emotions is usually the trigger for his abuse). But I can't do it anymore.

I feel invisible in my own life. I feel snuffed out. I abandoned myself so badly in order to keep him happy, because as we all know, he'll "kill himself" or "have no reason left to live" if I leave. So I had to disappear inside myself for him to be okay. I can't live like this forever though. We have a son, and I don't want my son to never truly know who his mother is all because she was afraid to be herself and didn't live for herself. He's almost 2 years old.

My husband hasn't hit me since long before I got pregnant, he hadn't even said anything mean to me for a long time. He has never hurt my son. Until a week ago, when he was stressed about money. He ripped my son out of my arms while I was comforting him during a tantrum, and he said to my son "nope, you're done crying dude, you're done" while I was telling him to stop trying to take him from me, that he needed his mom right now and that he can't "just stop" feeling what he feels just to please his dad. He flipped out on me for questioning him, lmk what a burden and drain I am to our family, all in front of my baby. Now my baby knows someone can physically overpower his mama, now he knows someone can use physical force to try to control what others feel.

I think that him doing this really took the blinders off for me. I feel disgusted by him now. I feel heartbroken, sad, angry, guilty, but also hopeful, excited almost, and I just know in my heart it's right for me to leave. It's wrong to stay. It isn't only a disservice to myself, it's a disservice to my son if I stay. I am really afraid of what will happen. He doesn't know I'm planning to leave. I don't want him to be left alone with my son if he gets shared custody, I don't want to believe he'd hurt him but I don't want to risk it. I'm working that all out with my therapist right now.

How do I get past the guilt I feel about leaving? I know it's going to flip his whole world upside down. I know it's going to emotionally wreck him and he will probably be alone forever once I leave. I don't want to hurt him. But I cannot spend the rest of my life half existing to keep the peace. How did you stop letting guilt or fear of what he'll do to himself stop you from leaving??

Sorry if this isn't the right place to post. But I cannot for the life of me find where I can actually apply to be a personal assistant for the IDHS Division of Rehabilitation Services. Does anyone know where to apply online? Or do I need to call a specific number or go to the IDHS office?

I know some people say this job sucks but please don't try to talk me out of it lol, I really want to do this. Especially because I love caregiving and, from what I've heard, you can sort of build your own schedule.