Hey everyone I am 38 years old and have a 10 year old daughter. I am a divorced parent who has been battling an addiction to marijuana for about 20 years now. Ever since my daughter was born I always felt this disconnect, its almost like my feelings are not even present. Deep down I know i love my daughter that is my true self. I do therapy every week and I have a very wonderful therapist who supports me but even with his help these feelings and negative thoughts are always with me 24/7. I only see her on the weekends but I feel like every time I am with her I just get these bad negative feelings and thoughts that just makes me want to avoid spending time with her. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 5 months ago and I suffer from extreme irritability and depression. I know the marijuana is not helping in this at all as it causes these symptoms to exacerbate as I have noticed but I am having a tough time to quit smoking. Im also a flight sim enthusiast and I have no interest or motivation to even want to play that when im home. I honestly just feel like I would have been better off if I didnt have a child because when I think about that its like a big burden has released off my shoulders. I dont know what to do really anymore, but I always compare my self and I am so jealous of other fathers who genuinely care for their kids and want to do stuff with them and I honestly just dont feel that way.
Thank you all for listening and have a blessed day.