So, this isn’t something I ever thought I’d find myself worrying about. I’m a "date to marry" kind of person, but lately, I keep asking myself: *what if I’m settling?* I’ve been in this relationship for a year and a half, and God, it really is the happiest I’ve been in my life. But then there are these moments—times where I’m not happy or sad or anything at all, just hollowed out and empty. We made a pact, my girl and I, to always talk when things feel like this, but I can’t bring myself to say a word because I don’t even know what’s wrong. I love her with all my heart, yet I’ve been getting so temperamental, snapping and acting annoyed over things I shouldn't be, and it’s not even her fault. It’s like I’m taking my internal mess out on her.
Then there is this other girl. And I guess this is a separate topic, but it’s all connected. I despise cheating—as everyone should. I hate the thought that anyone could do it, at any time, including myself. But here I am, and there’s this girl. She’s a senior, and I’m a junior, and it’s almost the end of our terms, so I keep telling myself I won’t see her or talk to her once school is out anyway. But God, I’m going to sound like such a hypocrite—and I probably am. I enjoy our talks, the way we laugh over the stupid stuff we do, and I know it’s wrong. *Damn, I know it’s wrong.* I beat myself up over it every single day, but no matter how hard I try to avoid her or act normal, we always end up talking.
I’ve been telling myself I just want to care for her, but I know that’s not the whole truth anymore. She’s so broken, and every day she forces herself to put on a mask and smile for everyone, and it’s just heartbreaking to watch. I started out just trying to be a supportive friend, but at what point did that flip? Especially this past week—my girlfriend has been sick and out of school, and suddenly I’m finding myself walking with this girl, talking to her, accidentally brushing against her. I’m going out of my way to say hi or walk her to class, all things I could easily avoid if I just stopped going where she is.
And it’s more than that. I find myself wanting her attention so badly. I have these thoughts—I want to compliment her, I want to touch her, I want her to touch me and talk to me and just be in my orbit. Sometimes I think she doesn't feel the same way at all, but then there are these little moments where I think, *maybe she does.* It's driving me crazy. My girlfriend doesn’t like her—she hasn’t for a long time—and she won't even give me a reason, but I’ve been friends with this other girl for a few years now, so even if I stripped away all the bad, it’s still just this urge to protect and care for my friend. And what am I supposed to do? Argue with my girlfriend about it when I know nothing productive is ever going to come out of that conversation?
I just don't know what to do, what to think, or how to move. I know if I bring this to my girl, it’s going to break her heart, and I know that’s probably the "better" or more honest choice. But part of me just wants to crawl through this term and hope that once she graduates, I won't have to worry about this anymore. I feel so shifty, so lost, and so guilty. There is just so much happening in my head that I don’t want to do anything at all. This is probably just an unproductive, circular rant—I’ve totally lost my point—but I just needed to get it all out because it feels like I’m suffocating under it.