Issues with husband in blended family
Salaam
I am having a lot of issues with my husband and don’t know how serious they are. I guess my post is for people who are divorced with kids and then remarried.
My husband, the night our baby boy was born, was getting many texts and calls from his ex wife basically having a meltdown. I had no idea. She apparently started to threaten to leave the two kids (11 and 15) alone at a basketball game. My husband told me he was going to get his kids and take them to his mom’s house. He was gone for hours. I didn’t think much of it. When he came back to the hospital he was acting weird and saying how beautiful I looked and he was being extra kind to me . He’s usually not like that. It did strike me as weird. He explained his absence saying he hung out with his mom and kids for a while. He was gone for maybe 6 hours or more.
He didn’t tell me about all this until 4 months later. He said that he ended up going to get his kids from the game when he left me at the hospital, and he ended up having a fight with his ex. I asked him what exactly
Happened and he got very angry and defensive. I said , you were gone 6 hours? I think I should know. But he won’t tell me details, he kept mixing his words up and just got angry and stopped talking.
I was shocked he hid it from me. I feel like I can’t trust him anymore. But am I overreacting? I asked him what happened and he said they just had an argument at the game and that was it. But why he was gone that long?
I’ve caught my husband with so many lies in regards to his ex. Deleted messages, going inside the home. A few months ago, his son FaceTimed him to show him their broken garage door. My husband was trying to see what the issue was in video and all of a sudden we hear his ex in the background trying to say something. My husband got very angry and hung up. I was a bit shocked and asked why he did that. He said “she always has something to say.” I said maybe she was trying to explain the issue. I asked him, what will you do about the garage door? He said , idk she can call someone and figure it out. A eeek ago I heard him speak to his son about a garage app he had installed on his phone that he hasn’t set up yet so I suspect he ended up helping with the repair. My issue is, why is he covering it up and should I be worried?
I have no idea what finances are like . I just know he pays child support and all other expenses fully, and pays all their clothes and lunches and anything else like medical and dental, he covers. I have no issue with that but I do wonder if his ex pressures him for extra money. She has a habit of gambling and sometimes misses paying bills.
The issue we have is that my husband literally makes no time for me and our marriage. All his off days he spends with his kids (11 and 15). His 15 year old literally stays glued to him. There is no space for just us to sit together. There has not been one weekend since the baby was born that I had a chance to be alone with my husband. When I ask him, he says “ok” and doesn’t do anything. I feel like he definitely has some guilt regarding his divorce and he’s trying to be there for his kids. But I’m wondering if I get any time? He finishes work at 6 or later some days, by the time he eats it’s 7-730, then I’m cleaning, bathing the baby and putting him to sleep. We have no time to ourselves really and he seems fine with that. I understand kids are a priority but I’m wondering if I have any right to some of his off time on the weekends? I’m not asking for every weekend but I have suggested one Sunday every 1-2 months we can be alone and do an activity together with the baby. I’m not sure but he doesn’t seem interested in that. When his kids come on the weekends he barely holds the baby and just hands him off to them, I think he does that to make them feel better. They have gotten so so attached to their dad since the baby was born. They need my husband to entertain them from the minute they wake up till they go to sleep. They show no interest in independent play.
Since the beginning of our marriage I never really sensed that my husband is emotionally there. It has been the most painful 3 years of my life to give my heart to a man and to be met with silence and distance. He said he’s over his ex yet he does anything and everything to appease her. She is high conflict. I feel like I have to pay for his past .
My family did get involved a few months ago bc I stayed at my moms house and said I was done always being second to his ex. If she is having a bad day you better believe he will be calling his kids and texting her to make sure they’re all fine. If I’m having a bad day..get over it. So to calm the situation down he took me out for tea one day then went to get his kids that night so it didn’t feel substantial.
Am I just complaining for nothing? Is this normal post divorce dynamics?
FYI, my husband and his ex text kind of frequently I think. My husband doesn’t tell me or show me texts. Which also is weird but it’s his privacy I guess . He admitted once that she texts him a lot as a way to cause issues in our marriage and I guess it’s working :(