Do you ever wonder how they experienced the relationship?
I constantly toy between two thoughts: the relationship was unhealthy and I was justified in breaking it off with them, and I was too dramatic and maybe their view of the relationship was just entirely different?
But then again: I was feeling SO disregulated, constantly. Slowly but surely their mood became my entire responsibility. I would get criticized, lowkey bullied, pushed away. I was walking on eggshells. My energy was drained to the bone. I got a major health scare and during that time they decided to blank-face tell me that they had no feelings for me anymore and that our relationship was too much for them. But she didn’t leave. She just looked at me, waited for a soothing reply or a fawn-response, for me to bridge the distance again.
At the same time — this constant treatment left me stingy, looking for my own independence, and eventually pushing her away. I didn’t want to hang out anymore, I didn’t want to live together anymore, I hated going on holidays together. I keep thinking: maybe I was the bad partner.
But then again: I wasn’t the one constantly “losing feelings” every other month, then not leaving, I wasn’t the one criticizing her every move, I wasn’t taking ugly pictures of her, making fun of her, outing her secrets to her friends and making weird remarks about cheating. Threatening with cheating. Did she feel even half as bad as me?
That’s the part that breaks my brain. The relationship was so easy for her, though she might’ve felt a little neglected at the end. She probably looks back on the end of the relationship as simply an incompatibility issue. But for me — it was lowkey traumatizing, no, maybe abusive. I spent 2 years just getting broken down and why? For what? And: did she even notice?
Sometimes I still wonder if some things were meant as manipulation or if she was simply too dense to know she was being mean. It’s so hard because at first you believe in this person. You think: everyone is wrong about them, I see the real them. They slowly prove you wrong. But you still have this cult-like belief; that they cán be good, attentive, loyal and kind. Two thoughts become true at once: they’re good and bad. You stay for the good. The bad always becomes too big.
Lately I’ve been trying to make peace with the fact that it doesn’t matter if they objectively and intentionally were toxic — I still had the right to break it off because I was simply not feeling good about myself in the relationship anymore. But it’s hard. I didn’t talk to anyone about her treatment towards me so it’s hard to find validation. This sub helped but I still wonder: did she even notice?